There is absolutely no part of me that wants to go back to middle school or back to high school. I’m still awkward as fuck now, so you can imagine what it was like for me back then. I got made fun of for reasons I still don’t understand. Especially in middle school, I was a pretty sweet kid. Even though we’d been in Florida since midway through third grade, I still felt like an outsider. These kids had known each other from almost kindergarten. I wasn’t in a church group, so I didn’t have a sort of built-in group to join. The people I danced with didn’t go to school with me.
I was different by high school. I’d grown a lot sharper in my dealings with other people. I was never randomly mean, but I tolerated bullshit less. I went to a school that was over an hour away by bus. Most of the friends I had then stayed at our home school. Cliques abounded and I wasn’t part of any of them. I’ve just never really fit in to a group. Those were not good years in my life.
What I don’t understand is that things stay the same even after we’re out of school and working. I know very few people who would take another tour through high school. This tells me that we all soundly hated the whole experience. We all felt isolated or weird or shitty.
So why do we still behave this way as adults? Was it not bad enough the first time around? Is it some kind of bizarre revenge scenario even though the people who made us miserable are long gone from our lives?
We are ADULTS, for fuck’s sake.
I’m not suggesting we have to spend time with people we don’t enjoy. Life’s too short for that. But there’s a big difference between being sociable at work, and forming little cliques that make an active effort to ostracize their coworkers. Most people don’t work in jobs they love. They get up and go to work because they have to pay to have a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and a way to get to and from work. People spend like 10-11 hours per day doing work-related things: Driving to/from work, working, and having a lunch hour that may or may not get them away from where they work. That is a damn long time to both hate/dislike what you’re doing and suffer with coworkers who can’t be decent.
As an adult I’m still an outsider, no matter where I am. I just don’t seem to fit anywhere. I’m still getting treated like crap by other people, even though I just try to do my own thing and not harass anyone else. It makes me want to just stay in my home, with Mr. Lyndsy, and tell the rest of the world to fuck off.
Perhaps until recently, I’ve been the type of person who thrives on being around other people. The energy exchange and making someone’s day better made me happy.
Now though? I want to go live in a cabin in Montana, where my closest neighbor is miles away. I want to be able to have internet, heat, and Amazon deliveries. I’d like to not have to go out for groceries since I may have to deal with other people. Perhaps I can arrange a delivery from the store. I wonder if Instacart is in Montana yet.
I’m tired. I don’t have the energy necessary to try to counteract all the bullshit people throw out there. I’m doing the best I can to make some money and to try to make the world a better place. But if it means that I’m going to have to continue to deal with trifling shit, I may just have to peace out to parts unknown to try to keep what fucking sanity I have left.
And you know, as long as I can have dogs with me, being without people may just be bearable.