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Why was I keeping those emails?

I don’t know how it is that I ended up coming across them, but a week or so ago, I ended up staring at an email from my abusive, piece of shit, ex-boyfriend. Which then reminded me that there were a whole slew of them still in Gmail.

I have no idea why I still have them.

To some degree, I’m just an email hoarder. I don’t like getting rid of anything. I figure I never know when I may need them. Something may happen and I’ll think, “Oh! I have an email about that!”

That’s just ridiculous. If his dumb ass hasn’t come up in the last 5 years, why would he now?

Some of the emails from him were horrible. He was mean and nasty. He tried to hold things against me that weren’t my fault. There were no emails where I felt great about myself after reading them. So why did I still have them?

In a way, it’s a little like my relationship with him was. Even though I knew something was more than a bit wrong, I didn’t leave. The second time we got together (I believed him when he said he’d changed…hahahah whoops), was in August 2010. Because we already had history, I moved into his place in September 2010. By Thanksgiving of that year I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be with him forever.

We argued about having kids…even though he said that if I wanted to have kids, we would.

We argued about getting married…even though he said that if I wanted to get married, we would.

We argued about whether my wonderful pet guinea pig, Orpheus Offenbach, would come live with us…even though he said that would be fine.

In hindsight it’s very clear that the whole situation was ridiculous. I moved into his house, which he would have had regardless of whether I was in the picture. However, he had me paying for either half or a third (his daughter was there part-time) of the bills. He made a lot more money than I did and he didn’t have the student loans I did. And let’s just be logical – he would have been paying for things like internet, water, and cable, even if I weren’t living with him. What kind of person does that?

He’d take things out on me when he was upset at someone else or about something else. He couldn’t accept ownership for things he fucked up. Everything was about him, even when it wasn’t.

I ultimately left because he didn’t get me a Valentine’s Day card. He said he just didn’t feel well that day. Because Valentine’s Day was such a surprise. He had no idea it was coming. Right. Asshole.

I stayed through bruises. We’d play around and he’d claim he didn’t know his own strength. I did what women say they’ll never do and wore clothing to cover them. The weekend before Valentine’s Day he got high before we left for our weekend getaway. That night at a hotel, he kicked me in the chest because I put my cold feet on his legs. I almost left that night but I knew I couldn’t get out the door and to the car before he woke up. The next day he asked where I got the bruise and I told him it was from him kicking me. He said, “You mean from where you ran into the door?”

That should have been it right there, but it wasn’t. If he’d gotten me a Valentine’s Day card I may have stayed even longer.

I wasn’t actively suicidal at that time, but I didn’t want to live either. I just believed that being with him in that situation was all I had. I think I believed no one else would have me, but it took me months to get to the point where I felt being single forever was better than spending another minute with him.

Obviously things worked out pretty well for me. Mr. Lyndsy is the opposite of the abusive type. He protects me from me sometimes.

So why didn’t I delete the emails 3 years ago? I knew they were lurking in there. I’d sent one of the worst to Mr. Lyndsy so he could understand what I’d dealt with in the past and had no intention of dealing with in the future.

I really don’t have an answer. That relationship is a trauma I will never forget. I still get flashbacks when I walk by someone wearing his cologne. It’s jarring and horrible. Fortunately the effect doesn’t last as long as it used to, but I’d rather not be phased by it at all. I can’t watch movies starring Seth Rogen, because they bear a creepy resemblance.

So today, I deleted them. I opened a few to make sure there was nothing important. I found one where he sent an email purportedly to wish me luck at the first day of a new job, but what he really wanted to tell me is that I’d forgotten my most important chore as a woman, and included the grocery list.

Yeah, fuck that.

I’m done with those emails and I’m done letting him keep any kind of space in my world.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

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