Trouble getting going

I feel like I’m trapped in molasses right now. I think I want to do things, but actually getting up and doing them is challenging. I did make cookies today, which surprised me, since I haven’t been able to get up the will to do it the last couple of days. This may have happened because I was hungry, and haven’t gone grocery shopping since I got back.

I’m really struggling with the WILL to do things as well. So I guess it’s sort of like a two-phase problem. There are some things I don’t have the will to do, and others that I want to do, but feel stuck.

I’m also not really able to sort of stick to goals I’ve tried to set. Like blogging. I try to do it three times/week. Clearly that hasn’t happened recently. I get busy and this gets dropped by the wayside. Knowing that I want to do it, I should plan for it, but I don’t. On Monday I had a meeting that I needed to be somewhere from 8am-1pm. Then I wanted to go to the doctor, but got sidetracked by something else, and didn’t get back from the doctor until after 7:30pm. By then I was pretty spent for the day.

I guess the real problem is that I don’t treat the things I want to do seriously. Part of the problem with working from home is that the day doesn’t have the structure that working from an office does. Things sort of just slide around. When I worked from an office, I knew that I had X amount of hours when I got home to get things done. I felt some pressure, and that encouraged me to do what I wanted.

Now, the days just sort of slip by. Before I know it, I’m as tired as I get, and I crash. It doesn’t help that I’m tired throughout the day as well. I suppose constant fatigue can get in the way of goals at times.

I am working on getting the fatigue issue sorted out. I saw an ENT the other day and learned that my nose is blocked – so I’m not getting the right amount of air in. We’re trying a nasal spray for two weeks and will see where I’m at, maybe do a sleep study. At this point I would love to have some energy during the day to get things done and feel like myself again. I hate feeling wiped out all the time. It’s gotten old.

Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack.

Done

I’m done. I think I probably hit this point a few weeks ago, when my irritation with everything lasted for days. I woke up irritated.

I don’t really know what it is. Mr. Lyndsy and I have been apart since August 10, but we’ve been apart this long before. That could still be it.

I’m not sleeping well either. But that’s nothing new. Maybe it’s catching up with me.

I can’t string together many non-irritated days anymore. That’s problem.

I know that irritation like this can be a symptom of anxiety. Unfortunately I can’t walk around stoned on Xanax all the time though I should consider it for the next few days until I’m back with Mr. Lyndsy.

I don’t like being irritated by everything. I don’t like not wanting to be around people. But I can’t be nice when I’m like this. And I’d rather not do and say things that will upset people.

Being me is hard sometimes. I don’t think all my pieces work particularly well together. An extrovert that can’t be around people nicely? That doesn’t work.

I have been exhausted lately. So much I want to and need to get done before I eventually get on a flight back to the sandbox but I just want to sleep or lay in bed. I’m tired of being tired.

Ugh.

What was I doing?

Between the lack of sleep on Saturday night and staying up over 24 hours on Sunday (we flew back in time), I was a little wiped out when I got up today. I think I got a decent amount of sleep and it wasn’t terrible sleep. But it just wasn’t enough.

I have spent the entire day forgetting from one second to the next what I was doing. I’d pull out my phone and forget why. Or, I’d pull it out, get distracted by a notification, handle it, and then put the phone down. I slurred words a bunch. I forgot what I was saying in the middle of a sentence.

My brain is done. I think this has happened to me before, but I either didn’t really notice or was too overwhelmed with something else to care. Today it was incredibly frustrating. I should have realized much earlier on in the day that trying to do two things at once was a bad idea. Instead, I continued to try to multi-task. Fail.

I’m hoping a nice restorative sleep this evening will save me from myself tomorrow. I hope this isn’t a new, long-term problem for me. I don’t think I could handle it!

Wiped out

This week has been long and draining. I have had less energy than the last few months. It’s made being productive an incredible challenge. Because I hate losing, I’ve been doing things I want to (since it’s on an app that asks me whether I’ve done things and I won’t lie to the app), but it hasn’t been as exciting for me to do.

I’ve accepted that pain and discomfort are a regular part of my life now. I didn’t know that in 2014, and for a long while I expected that everything would turn around and I could go back to my old life. Accepting it hasn’t really made life easier. I guess I don’t get disappointed as often. I don’t wake up and then get sad when I realize that my right leg still doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.

I think the real problem is that acceptance only covers what exists at the time you accepted your life. New problems don’t get factored in, particularly for things that never would have occurred to you. Perhaps that is why this week has been worse. I’m dealing with something new and mostly unexpected. Well, blah on that.

My life feels a little like Frogger. I’m darting around the highway trying to get to the other side while avoiding a collision with a car. (Side note, I’ve seen a frog get hit by a car and it is NOT pretty. Strangest thing was that the frog seemed to purposely jump under the tire.) Jumping around while the highway is packed is exhausting. You move forward only to have to move back. Then you jump sideways and realize you didn’t get anywhere, so you panic and jump without really looking first.

Argh. I’m tired. I hope this finds you better than I feel now.

A Prescription for Change

Being sick for pretty much a whole month on top of the stress my body undergoes on a daily basis has sucked. A ton. I feel like I can probably add depression and anxiety to all of that. Physically and emotionally I am in a really fragile place right now.

In an attempt to try to get some control over some of my issues, I went to an endocrinologist on Sunday. He told me that I don’t have Hashimoto’s now, but it may become Hashimoto’s in the future. (I think he meant hypothyroid…) Accordingly, he won’t put me on medication unless my TSH, T3, or T4 readings come back out of normal range (they never have). The antibodies should come back positive, but he’s seen lab work like that already and doesn’t think it warrants medication. This is in spite of the fact that I present with all the symptoms. Based on my understanding, my numbers aren’t reliable since the thyroid hormones could just be in my blood after the thyroid gets attacked. Either way, it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting help from him.

What I’ve come to realize in the last few days is that my patience level is nowhere near what it usually is. Those who know me know that I don’t seem to suffer bullshit well normally. Imagine that what little you saw is now gone. Yeah, feel bad for the people around me who seem to want to try my patience. Or don’t, since they are trying my patience after all.

While I don’t like how I feel now at all, AT ALL, it’s given me a unique opportunity. I can take a look at my life, how I’m living it, who I involve in it, and what I do with my time and figure out what I just don’t fucking want in it anymore.

There are some obvious solutions – stop spending time with people who piss me off (harder to do than you would like when you’re involved in an organization) and start doing more of what you enjoy.

Social media is a good example. I enjoy using it. I like staying in touch with people, seeing what’s going on in their lives. However, social media is also full of a lot of bullshit. I’ve already posted about how I tend not to back down when I see something come across my screen that seems like it deserves my attention. Even if I didn’t engage, simply seeing something that needs a response is usually enough to get the response.

I think that because my energy has been down I haven’t been able to protect myself from a lot of the negativity that floats around in the ether. I have no defense against the onslaught of horror that comes at all of us every day from so many different angles. I can’t make myself not care.

At this point I think I need to start doing things I should have been doing for a while now.

I need to meditate.

I need to get back into journeying.

I need to focus on gratitude for what I do have.

I need to unclutter my life – people and things that just aren’t helping me be the best Lyndsy I can be.

I need to eat better to try to gain back some of what I lose every day.

I need to enjoy simple things again – reading, listening to music.

There’s probably more I could, and will, come up with but this seems like a good start. I hope it is anyway. The way I am now, I won’t last very long with what little sanity I have left.

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30-Day Project: August Wrap-up/September Plan

30-day Project

I won’t waste words on August – it’s been almost a complete failure. Some of it was the traveling, some of it was illness. Regardless of the reason, I failed. I’m upset with myself because journeying is something I do need to do every day for my health and well-being. Even though I won’t be making it a goal for September, I do intend to be better going forward. I think I need to figure out a new mechanism for accountability. Onto September!

September, in my head, was going to be about cooking and baking and sharing pictures. The goal was to try to eat a little better by doing more cooking, but i also realized that there is no way I was going to cook every day of September.

So then it turned into No Soda September. Given that there are really no health benefits to drinking soda and really only downsides, it’s a great goal. I’d stopped drinking it much, but once I was cooped up in bed after surgery, I started up again.

Then today I had an episode with frozen yogurt. I am lactose-intolerant and I have known this for years. Once I figured it out, I switched to lactose-free milk and things were fine. Then yogurt became an enemy. Then eating cheese on its own. Today, fro yo betrayed me.

To avoid destroying any more of my underwear, I need to make some changes. Really, it’s about more than my underwear. I have not been respecting my body. It’s been sending me signals of “Please don’t do that to me anymore” and I’ve ignored them. My body deserves better than that. I deserve better than that. In some ways, it’s the same as getting out of an abusive relationship.

That thought hadn’t occurred to me until right now, but now that I’m thinking about it, that makes a lot of sense. If another person were doing to me what I’m doing to my body, I would kick them out of my life. So that’s what I have to do.

Because I get overwhelmed with thinking about doing much of anything for long stretches of time (except being married to Mr. Lyndsy), I’m thinking about this as a 30-Day Project. For the month of September I will not be drinking any soda, I will not be eating any fast food, I will minimize my dairy intake, I will consume more water, I will cut back on my juice consumption, I will eat at least one fruit and one vegetable per day (actual fruits and veg, not shit like NutriGrain bars with fruit in them).

Mr. Lyndsy has graciously agreed to join in for parts of this. His addiction isn’t soda, but coffee. It would be one thing if he drank it black but he says that tastes disgusting. Instead he drinks about an eighth of a cup of coffee, the remainder is milk and sugar. He doesn’t tend to eat fast food too often, but he’s going to join me in avoiding it too. I’m pretty sure I’m going to need the support so I am so thankful he’s doing it with me.

I have avoided doing this for a long time, but I’m not entirely sure why. When I was initially diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, I changed my diet quite a bit. But, because I was on meds and they really controlled my sugar I slid back into my old eating patterns. But now I’m getting pissed about the drug industry and promoting pills as the end all be all. Not to mention that I just don’t feel all that well. I’m tired most of the time. I still have brain fog. I have a feeling a big diet change may help. The problem is that I’m going to have to go beyond the 30 days to really feel the effects. I’m hoping that I’ll be feeling some of the benefits within the 30 days so continuing on isn’t an issue.

I didn’t mention candy in that list because I do believe that SOME here and there isn’t that big a deal. My body has been helping this along – lately the candy I used to love just hasn’t tasted as good to me. I guess I’m still attached to how much I used to enjoy it, since I’ve still been eating it. Though I do wonder why after I do it.

As the month goes on, if I figure out that something is bothering my stomach still, I’m going to eliminate it. I’m tired of feeling like crap.

This won’t be easy for me. But, I’ve gotten myself out of an abusive relationship before. I can do it again, though I’ve upped the difficulty level a bit.