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Is this just a SQUIRREL?

I lack discipline. My randomness in posting here is a pretty shining example. I know I’ve even blogged about it before.

I often go from one thing to another when something fun and new and shiny shows up. Right now it’s graphic design and editing, but tomorrow will it be something else? If I’m going to try to earn a living doing these things, I have to be committed to them.

I don’t know if that’s my hesitation in moving forward or if I’m just so stuck in impostor syndrome that I can’t move forward.

I’m not even sure I know what a work life looks like anymore. I’ve been working from home since 2014. I woke up late in the day and worked for a while. When Mr. Lyndsy got home, I played with him. With the exception of organizational meetings, I haven’t had any structure for quite some time.

I enjoy learning and I like applying what I’ve learned. However, learning things without actually having a concrete application for them is a letdown. I don’t exactly *have* to do it. There’s no one who will be breathing down my neck if a website I’m putting together isn’t done. No one is asking for me to make pretty graphics. It’s just me playing on my own. And when it comes to me doing something for myself, I am terrible at following through. A friend took a look at my birth chart recently and told me that I struggle with feeling like I’m important enough to warrant acting for me. I’m not even sure how I can overcome that.

I suppose the best way is to do it one day at a time. It would probably also help if I had a defined list of what it is I would like to accomplish. I’ve been moving through ideas haphazardly, picking and choosing what seems interesting, but not necessarily what will help me move forward.

Blargh. Maybe my next stop is to hit up a video course on how to get my shit organized.

For your viewing pleasure, here’s a mandala I created.

mandala created in adobe illustrator

Mandala

Trouble getting going

I feel like I’m trapped in molasses right now. I think I want to do things, but actually getting up and doing them is challenging. I did make cookies today, which surprised me, since I haven’t been able to get up the will to do it the last couple of days. This may have happened because I was hungry, and haven’t gone grocery shopping since I got back.

I’m really struggling with the WILL to do things as well. So I guess it’s sort of like a two-phase problem. There are some things I don’t have the will to do, and others that I want to do, but feel stuck.

I’m also not really able to sort of stick to goals I’ve tried to set. Like blogging. I try to do it three times/week. Clearly that hasn’t happened recently. I get busy and this gets dropped by the wayside. Knowing that I want to do it, I should plan for it, but I don’t. On Monday I had a meeting that I needed to be somewhere from 8am-1pm. Then I wanted to go to the doctor, but got sidetracked by something else, and didn’t get back from the doctor until after 7:30pm. By then I was pretty spent for the day.

I guess the real problem is that I don’t treat the things I want to do seriously. Part of the problem with working from home is that the day doesn’t have the structure that working from an office does. Things sort of just slide around. When I worked from an office, I knew that I had X amount of hours when I got home to get things done. I felt some pressure, and that encouraged me to do what I wanted.

Now, the days just sort of slip by. Before I know it, I’m as tired as I get, and I crash. It doesn’t help that I’m tired throughout the day as well. I suppose constant fatigue can get in the way of goals at times.

I am working on getting the fatigue issue sorted out. I saw an ENT the other day and learned that my nose is blocked – so I’m not getting the right amount of air in. We’re trying a nasal spray for two weeks and will see where I’m at, maybe do a sleep study. At this point I would love to have some energy during the day to get things done and feel like myself again. I hate feeling wiped out all the time. It’s gotten old.

Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack.

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A Food Challenge

Mr. Lyndsy left yesterday. After 40 fun days in the US he’s back in the sandbox. And I’m here. Without him.

However, he made our separation interesting. He told me that while we’re apart, I should work on eating better. I’ve got the working out thing down, but the next part is to change my food habits. This means eating fresher foods, avoiding processed foods, things high in sugar, and not too many carbs (especially the simple ones).

I know he’s right about this. That doesn’t mean I want to do it. Because you know, M&Ms, cupcakes, soda.

However, to not focus on us being apart and how much I absolutely LOATHE it, I decided it would be fun to see his reaction after I’d been at the gym for a month without him seeing me every day. It’s hard to see changes when you’re around someone every day, but a month? That can be quite a long time when you’re putting in the work like every day.

Eating better just ups the chances that the changes will be that much more dramatic. Which makes it exciting. Of course, I am NOT a patient person so when I hop on the scale tomorrow I’m going to pissed that I haven’t lost 10 pounds after just one day of healthy eating.

Yes, I know that’s irrational. But you should know that about me. I still believe unicorns.

Anyway, here’s to healthy eating for like 32 days. I’m looking at it sort of one day at a time. Because right now I’m hungry and all I can think about is candy.

FEED ME THE CANDIES.

I mean, I’m thinking about pineapple. Yeah, pineapple.

*I picked this picture because it made no sense. A pineapple just sunbathing on someone’s lawn??*

 

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It’s not really now or never

I feel a lot like it’s NOW or NEVER. Having read a bunch about ADHD in the past few days, this seems like it could be related to that. According to the books, people with ADHD have issues with time – basically only living in the present, with trouble making future plans.

I feel like a failure or like I’ve messed up my life so often because things aren’t happening for me RIGHT NOW. The reality is that I’m only 35 (soon to be 36), and that I still have plenty of time. There are people who didn’t start their amazing careers until 50 or later (I think Morgan Freeman didn’t get his first big movie role until then).

If I were to sit down, come up with some goals, and make a plan to achieve them, listing short-term goals out over a period of months up to a year, I might actually be able to accomplish something. The catch for me here is that I’ve always believed that if you can’t just DO something, without having to plot it out, you weren’t meant to do it.

In the real world that makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE. I can’t think of any greats who didn’t have to WORK at it. PRACTICE it. EDIT it.

I need to work on retraining my brain with these thoughts. Starting to study and understand ADHD is a path to that. I’ve been researching ADHD hacks too to make my life easier. Between understanding it and implementing the coping skills I am really hoping to start do amazing things with my life. I feel that the potential’s in there. It’s a question of how to get it out in a way that I’ll actually stay with it and finish it (or keep it going forever, if that’s the thing).

Now at least I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I just need to continually remind myself that great things take time.

How to make it work

I realize that a lot of adults don’t have any idea what they want to do with their lives. We can never know when our THING is going to spring up and grab us. I shared a post on Facebook the other day that shows just how many successful people didn’t find that success until later in their lives.

While I think that’s awesome and I’m happy to know I still have time, it doesn’t alleviate the anxiety I feel about not having a THING. I want whatever I do that makes me money to be fulfilling and meaningful.

When I was a freshman or sophomore in college I considered the convent. Yes, you read that correctly, I wanted to be a nun. I’m not particularly religious (or even Christian for that matter), but the idea of living in service to other people to help make their lives better was HUGELY appealing to me.

And you know what? It still is.

All I want to do with my life is help people find their amazing.

Then reality smacks me in the face (again).

How the fuck is that a job? What does that look like in terms of making money? How do I make that a thing?

I still don’t really have any answers. I’ve considered so many different things. They include: Life coaching, personal training, direct sales of various products, ministry, and probably some other things I can’t remember right now.

But this is really what I want for my life. In many ways, my life has never been and won’t really be about me. I was meant for a life of service. I know that. I accept that. More than anything, I LOVE that.

As I’ve been writing this something did occur to me. My life has been more than a little chaotic with all my health issues. Between the physical and mental health, things have not been so great. I sincerely doubt I would have been much good to anyone during that time, since I wasn’t really any good for myself.

Perhaps this is a period for me to find my footing. A time for me to plant myself and get grounded so that I can help others do the same. Cue The Byrds

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

If you have any ideas about how I can manifest my purpose in my life, I would really love to hear them. Sometimes I get mired in my own shit and can’t see things as clearly as I would like.

As always, thanks for reading <3

A New Way of Life

I knew that I would enjoy working out to prep for the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. I have always enjoyed working out since I get a sense of accomplishment pretty much every time I do it.

I had NO idea that this was going to become a THING for me. I’ve hit the point where when I’m frustrated or pissed off, I want go to the gym and hit the weights or even *gasp* run/walk. That’s completely new. Working out was a means to an end – be ready to do 13.1 miles and not get picked up by the bus of shame.

Now though it’s just part of my almost daily life. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working out 6 days/week, or if it’s because I’ve been going with Mr. Lyndsy, but it’s something that I can see continuing forever. There may be some bumps in the road depending on how things go medically in the near future, but I’ll cross that bridge should I come to it.

The catch to this is that I haven’t really been eating better. We went on a road trip and I definitely over consumed sugar and crap. I justified it as needing a boost in energy, but that doesn’t really fly. Now that we’ve landed back at the house, it’s time to get this part right too. I don’t feel like I see a tremendous difference in my body and I’m sure that’s due to the fact that I haven’t been eating well.

I’m an impatient person and I know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I didn’t put the weight on overnight (though it feels like it) and I won’t lose it overnight either. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I just want it all to fall off.

It takes 21 days to form new habits (I think I read that somewhere) so I need to find a way to make eating better a habit. I’m just so lazy…

Trump should serve as a warning to all of us

I haven’t been even a little coy about my contempt for Donald Trump. He’s a tiny-handed, narcissistic, man-child still seeking his daddy’s approval and ruining our country in the process. But, he can do something positive for us. He can show us all how living a life filled with expectation leads to unhappiness.

It’s my belief that the happiest people are the people who have learned to live with no expectations. They don’t expect life to be easy, they just expect it to be what it is. Life isn’t fair. It’s not easy. It’s not filled with happiness all the time.

However, Trump and people like him expect that life will just unfold before him perfectly. I don’t know if it’s how he was raised (but I suspect so), but he acts like he expects everyone to just do what he wants them to. Like he’s what the world revolves around. He expects that his worldview should be or is the dominant worldview. He expects that money should get him whatever he wants. I mean, maybe it got him his wife, but I don’t think that’s working out for him as well as he expected it to.

And that’s the problem. Expectations rarely work out the way we think they will. We see things from our limited perspective, discounting the people around us, who all have their own motivations and expectations. We also can’t predict the world of larger events – things like natural disasters, the criminal or nasty intentions of others.

Our expectations also imply that we know what’s best on the grander scale. When we get focused on a set of ideas, and it blocks us from being able to see other possibilities. These possibilities could bring us rewards we never dreamed of because we couldn’t comprehend them, but we’ll never see them because expectations clouds our vision. It’s truly sad for us.

Because Trump has expectations, he acts out of fear that the expectations will not be fulfilled. Acting out of fear is rarely (I would say never) a good idea. It’s more short-sighted than allowing life to unfold, which means precluding a whole series of other potentialities. Fear is the greatest liar in our lives. Nothing cuts us down faster than fear.

And we can see what it’s doing to the United States. Fear leads to unrealistic nationalism, racism, homophobia, etc. It’s not the United States I love so much. It’s not a United States with possibility. It’s backward-looking and limiting. With our resources and population, we should be leading the world in science, technology, mathematics, economics, etc. But we’re not. Until our Dear Leader gets his head out of his ass, we’re going to continue to skid, out of control, backwards, to an era where equality was a dream.

Do I Really Need This?

Every now and then I go through phases where I see how much money I’ve spent or I look at the stuff around me and think, “Good God, I am a colossal fuck-up.”

I spent a few months in the homeland and spent a ton of money. So much is so readily available there that isn’t where I spend most of my year. Craft stores tend to be my downfall. I love walking through them and seeing all the possibilities. I even used some of it this summer! I made THINGS!

When it comes time to pay my taxes though, I see how much I spent instead of saving to pay my taxes. I panic a little when this happens. I *know* I should save the tax money. I generally don’t think about how much it’s really going to be. (This is one of the pitfalls of being self-employed.)

I chastise myself after the fact about how wasteful I am. I’m not sure why I do it since it’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing at the time and it certainly doesn’t change the situation. I just end up feeling bad about myself. It’s like bingeing on junk food – feels good at the time, pay for it later.

I’m about to venture into a new business that requires the largest up-front investment I’ve ever made. It’s exciting – really exciting. However, I am basically going to have to become a completely different person when it comes to money. I want to pay myself back for the initial investment as well as continue investing in the business. This will leave me almost no room for the junk food-style bingeing I like to do.

I don’t want to be a junk food binger anymore, whether it’s food or money. I learned recently that I don’t usually feel so good when I do either, so why continue to do it? You know you’ve hit a new point in your life when you not only feel the after-effects, but you feel it WHILE you’re doing it.

My goal now is to look at everything I buy and think – Do I really need this? Need is obviously a relative term. Compared to people all over the world, my answer for most things would be a resounding “no.” No, you don’t *need* a smartphone to survive. That’s not a realistic way for me to look at things.

I had a discussion with a friend the other day about some clothes we were looking at buying. She clarified some as “must-have” versus “cute, but would be okay not having.” Pretty much all purchases fall into those two categories, but I add a third one “why am I looking at this?” I can’t tell you how many things I’ve gone home with and I later look back and think, “Was I under the influence when I bought that?” Sadly, that’s almost never the case. Just monumental lapses in judgment.

We all have things that lift our spirits. We can’t always explain why they do, but that doesn’t matter. If it’s something that will bring joy to my life *and* I will use it, I’m okay with that purchase. I saw a Star Wars Furbacca at Target the other day. It took a surprising amount of willpower to resist buying it. As a teenager I owned a Furby because I *had* to have one. The poor thing mostly sat on a shelf, staring at me from its horribly large eyes. I never talked to it or got it to speak anything other than Furbish.

Despite knowing that I might never actually play with it, I desperately wanted this Chewbacca to come home with me. Had it been cheaper (I thought it was $70, apparently it’s *only* $50), I may have bought it anyway. I’m a big fan of the loyal Chewbacca. But do I really need him as a Furby? No. Am I still tempted? Yes.

Mr. Lyndsy and I have a terrible habit of wasting food. We buy fruits, veggies, and meat, and then get too lazy to cook them. They turn into science experiments in the fridge and we go out to eat. Eventually one of us gets disgusted by what’s happening in our science lab of a refrigerator and we clean it out. We vow to never let it get that bad again. Until the next time, anyway.

Once I modified my diet, it happened a bit less. Going out to eat became an unpleasant experience as my stomach reacted violently to what I ate. Since I was spending more time in the fridge to find foods that wouldn’t upset me, less stayed in there longer.

We both know that eating the fruits and veggies we have at home is better than going out to eat. I like knowing exactly what I’m eating. I don’t have the luxury of eating whatever I fancy. I am beyond tired of feeling sick all the time. I finally hit THAT point. The one where I’m actually willing to do the right things.

Before I buy anything, I will be asking myself, “Do I really need that? How does this fit into my larger plan?” If the answer is that I don’t need it or it derails my larger plan – whether it’s being healthy emotionally, physically, or financially, I won’t buy it.

Sounds simple, but I know what a struggle this will be for me. I decided that my goal for this year was to be healthy. I meant it physically, but now I can see that I was really missing the mark. To achieve health in any of the big areas, I need to work at it in all three.

Yikes. Wish me luck, and also tell me – what are your best strategies for health, whether it’s emotionally, physical, or financial?