I feel like I’m trapped in molasses right now. I think I want to do things, but actually getting up and doing them is challenging. I did make cookies today, which surprised me, since I haven’t been able to get up the will to do it the last couple of days. This may have happened because I was hungry, and haven’t gone grocery shopping since I got back.
I’m really struggling with the WILL to do things as well. So I guess it’s sort of like a two-phase problem. There are some things I don’t have the will to do, and others that I want to do, but feel stuck.
I’m also not really able to sort of stick to goals I’ve tried to set. Like blogging. I try to do it three times/week. Clearly that hasn’t happened recently. I get busy and this gets dropped by the wayside. Knowing that I want to do it, I should plan for it, but I don’t. On Monday I had a meeting that I needed to be somewhere from 8am-1pm. Then I wanted to go to the doctor, but got sidetracked by something else, and didn’t get back from the doctor until after 7:30pm. By then I was pretty spent for the day.
I guess the real problem is that I don’t treat the things I want to do seriously. Part of the problem with working from home is that the day doesn’t have the structure that working from an office does. Things sort of just slide around. When I worked from an office, I knew that I had X amount of hours when I got home to get things done. I felt some pressure, and that encouraged me to do what I wanted.
Now, the days just sort of slip by. Before I know it, I’m as tired as I get, and I crash. It doesn’t help that I’m tired throughout the day as well. I suppose constant fatigue can get in the way of goals at times.
I am working on getting the fatigue issue sorted out. I saw an ENT the other day and learned that my nose is blocked – so I’m not getting the right amount of air in. We’re trying a nasal spray for two weeks and will see where I’m at, maybe do a sleep study. At this point I would love to have some energy during the day to get things done and feel like myself again. I hate feeling wiped out all the time. It’s gotten old.
Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack.
It’s that time again! July was mostly a success, especially because I learned something very important. I need to make sure that I have some way to keep myself accountable. I did okay with the haiku – was late a few times. Traveling and preparing to travel sort of threw me off. I wasn’t as awesome about the positivity part of the project. I should have made myself write things down. Then I would have had spaces in a calendar missing names and that would have made me remember “I need to do this.”
The good thing is that I know what I need to do in August!
I have recently started on a new spiritual path into shamanism. A big part of shamanism is journeying – entering an altered state of consciousness to meet with helping spirits. Because it’s such an integral part, I want to do it every day. Most of the journeys will be 10-15 minutes which I should easily be able to add to my daily routine. The accountability comes in that I will be journaling after each journey while it’s still fresh in my mind and so I can look back and see how things worked out.
I’m really excited about making shamanism a bigger part of my life. It’s a path I should have taken a long time ago. But, better late than never. Particularly with this.
I’ll probably blog more about what shamanism is and how it’s applying in my life. Some of you won’t appreciate the practice, and you should most definitely feel free to skip those posts (obviously).
Here’s to August!
I talked briefly about this yesterday, but this has been a really good month for me. I’ve been on a different sleeping schedule to go with my new job – I don’t get up until the afternoon and I’m up until 3am or 4am. I’ve always been more of a night owl, so this feels more natural to me than waking up in the morning.
I think the other thing that’s really helped is writing every day. Forced creativity apparently agrees with me. It was an easy way to give everyone a status update on my health after the surgery, which was a total bonus.
It’s been my thought for a while that if I wasn’t blogging it meant that something was wrong. It never occurred to me that I could sort of force myself out of a funk by making myself write. I’m not entirely sure if that’s what really happened this month, but I feel like that could be right.
The other thing that may have contributed is that I finally feel like I’m on a path to really doing something about the foot drop. I’ve had less pain this month, even after the surgery, because I haven’t been able to walk on it. Pain with walking is really frustrating and energy-zapping. I hope that the pain stays away when I’m back to walking on both feet.
I’m not sure what’s made the difference this month – whether it was the writing or the health or the sleeping or all three, but it’s been really excellent. Thanks to everyone who has commented or liked the blog posts. It helps keep me going!
I can’t believe it’s almost July already! That means it’s time for another 30-day project! When I came up with the idea to do this, I wasn’t sure I would really keep up with it. I am not always great about finishing things I start, but I figured if it was just 30 days, I could probably handle it.
Tracking my food and water in May was great – I learned that I really do not ever drink enough water. We usually have plenty of water around, so I don’t have an excuse not to do it. Water isn’t my favorite beverage, but it is the one that never upsets my stomachs and always makes me feel better. My lips are in such bad shape right now that they’re cracked and painful. I really do have to track it on my app to make sure I’m getting enough.
I have really loved blogging this month. I don’t know if that’s what’s made me feel so much better lately or if it’s finally having the tendon transfer so I can start making progress (or maybe a combo of the two), but I’m happier than I have been in a while. So, excellent.
In July I’m going for a two-fer and I hope it doesn’t sink me. Someone suggested a haiku a day and I thought it sounded like fun. I looked up a calendar of fun/unusual days in July and I’m using it as the basis for the poetry. I don’t want to drown the blog in haiku, so those will all be posted on the Facebook page. I have started to write some of it, but none will be posted until July.
I wanted to add in something a little more meaningful that would also make me feel good, so the other half of the July 30-day project is that I will spend at least 5 minutes per day sending positive energy to someone who seems to need it. I think this will have an effect similar to me meditating but I will also get the satisfaction that comes from when I give. I’m hoping to design little ecards to go with it so people know I’ve been thinking about them.
I’m really looking forward to July!
I learned a lot working as a prosecutor in Drug Diversion Court in King County. One of the biggest takeaways came from Judge Wesley Saint Clair. When the participants were struggling to make it to their meetings or not use drugs, he used to tell them, “It’s 30 days. You can do anything for 30 days.”
I have loads of things I need to work on, but when I think about doing them all at once, I get overwhelmed. My big focus right now should be on my health. My body is working so hard to heal (though it apparently has done all it can), I need to give it some help. I also haven’t really be doing things I enjoy as much as I would like (coloring, blogging, cross-stitch).
So, for a year, I’m going to pick something to focus on each month and do it every day that month. May will be the first month I do it. I haven’t decided yet what I’ll do in May, but it’ll probably be something easy to do, so I don’t burn myself out.
What kinds of things would you be doing if you were playing along with me?