Happy Birthday to Me!

This is a weird birthday for me. For the first time since I can remember, I didn’t stay up until midnight to ring in my birthday. I was tired and wanted to make sure I could get up today and celebrate.

Well, that plan failed. I couldn’t get myself roused until after 1pm. I wanted to get up earlier, but I could not get my body to cooperate. I had weird dreams too.

I’m also just feeling a bit out of sorts as well. I’m on a ton of meds right now and I’m not sure I have a full grasp on how they affect me. Also, I’ve got money worries which always weigh on me heavily. I finished The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho and I’m sad that I don’t know what my Personal Legend is. This isn’t exactly a new feeling, but reading the book really drove it home.

On top of that, I’m just feeling a little stuck, like I mentioned Wednesday. I think it’s probably depression, but knowing that doesn’t tell me how to get unstuck.

Also, I feel old now. I mean, I know I’m not old. But my body is falling apart. I take more meds than my grandparents. Mentally I feel pretty young and when I look at my friends, I don’t feel like they’re old either. There’s just this unsettling feeling that I can’t get rid of that makes me feel old. It’s depressing me.

Mostly I just feel like everything is swirling around me and I can’t control any of it. I know that’s not true, but that’s just how it feels. The mental image I have is of paper with clues and ideas are flying around my head and I’m trying to reach out to grab them so I have some idea of what is going on.

It’s just so UGH. Not really how I want to spend a birthday. But I suppose it’s inevitable. Birthdays are times of reflection. This is just a weird spot in my life. (One that seems to have lasted for quite some time.)

So yeah. That’s where I’m at. I’m hoping for clarity soon.

When I’m 34

My birthday is tomorrow and I’m just not that excited. This past year has been really rough emotionally and physically. I don’t think I’ve had a year quite that bad, maybe ever. I definitely know what living the spoonie lifestyle is about now.

Two months after my birthday last year I fell into a terrible slump. I became a person I didn’t like. I did some work and became someone I like again. I don’t know that I’ve really left the slump all that much.

I miss my dog. Once you have a tiny (or not so tiny) ball of unconditional love it’s hard to live without it. I met a wonderful dog yesterday and seeing her with her hooman really drove home just how hard it is to be without a dog. I have a hard time even looking at other pictures of dogs.

I think last year I expected that my pain would get better. All year. I thought having the tendon transfer would make things better than they were. And while I can walk now without a brace, I still have pain. Some of it is different than before, but it’s not less intense pain or less frequent. It’s just different.

I had to cheer myself on to get out of bed this morning. “Come on Lyndsy! You can do it!”

There’s other ridiculous drama that I just don’t have the spoons for. I tried to step up and do something good and nice and I am perpetually getting shit on. Well, fuck that. Not. Worth. It.

And poor Mr. Lyndsy. He doesn’t understand what this feels like. He always wants to keep trying things. He doesn’t know that sometimes, things just can’t be done. So he gets frustrated – he can’t really help me feel better and he doesn’t really understand where I’m coming from.

I don’t think he gets that it’s not that I’m giving up. But that I’m trying to find my new “normal.”

But that’s what 34 seems like it’s going to be about – finding my new “normal.” Knowing that the “normal” is going to be some kind of shitty shade of what I’ve had in the past isn’t really exciting. It isn’t really something I want to celebrate.

I do have some birthday wishes you all can help me fulfill. More tomorrow.

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Happy Birthday, Mr. Lyndsy!

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How I managed to marry a man who doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday is beyond me. Fortunately he’s fine with me treating mine like an international holiday.

Anyway, he doesn’t want to celebrate the day he graced the world with his presence. But I do.

I met Mr. Lyndsy at a pretty fucked up time in my life. My health was taking a turn for the worse, my job was killing my soul, and I was trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do next. Meeting him, even virtually, made me smile. He told me that whatever health issues I was dealing with, he’d be right there with me. We talked after all my appointments, he strongly encouraged me to go when I was ambivalent, and made me put myself and my health ahead of my job.

He knows when I’m lying to him about how I’m feeling. He’ll stop whatever he’s doing if I look like I need a hug. He doesn’t mind when I cry and get snot all over him.

Things lately have been pretty stressful. Unproductive doctor’s appointments, trying to make sure I’m taken care of after surgery, job stress. Above all, he just wants me to be happy and will do whatever he can to make sure I am happy.

I was reading in bed the other day and he came to lay down with me. He complained about a headache. I put my phone down and we rested together for a while. He passed the hell out and then got back up and continued playing video games. I asked how the headache was and he said it was better, that he just needed a hug from Wife. He always makes me feel good.

He is the anchor of my life and the one person who can always make me smile. For this, he deserves to be celebrated. Happy Birthday, Mr. Lyndsy!