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It’s not really now or never

I feel a lot like it’s NOW or NEVER. Having read a bunch about ADHD in the past few days, this seems like it could be related to that. According to the books, people with ADHD have issues with time – basically only living in the present, with trouble making future plans.

I feel like a failure or like I’ve messed up my life so often because things aren’t happening for me RIGHT NOW. The reality is that I’m only 35 (soon to be 36), and that I still have plenty of time. There are people who didn’t start their amazing careers until 50 or later (I think Morgan Freeman didn’t get his first big movie role until then).

If I were to sit down, come up with some goals, and make a plan to achieve them, listing short-term goals out over a period of months up to a year, I might actually be able to accomplish something. The catch for me here is that I’ve always believed that if you can’t just DO something, without having to plot it out, you weren’t meant to do it.

In the real world that makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE. I can’t think of any greats who didn’t have to WORK at it. PRACTICE it. EDIT it.

I need to work on retraining my brain with these thoughts. Starting to study and understand ADHD is a path to that. I’ve been researching ADHD hacks too to make my life easier. Between understanding it and implementing the coping skills I am really hoping to start do amazing things with my life. I feel that the potential’s in there. It’s a question of how to get it out in a way that I’ll actually stay with it and finish it (or keep it going forever, if that’s the thing).

Now at least I feel like I’m moving in the right direction. I just need to continually remind myself that great things take time.

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Layer by Layer

I’ve been working really hard this summer to try to learn as much as I can about my chronic health issues. As I’ve peeled back different things, I’ve learned more. One thing I believe I’ve learned is that I have ADHD.

Yes, I know, I can’t diagnose myself. No, I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor yet. No, I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid.

It started with a Facebook post.

What struck me was “I literally cannot recall the words that just came out of my mouth.” That happens to me with alarming frequency. It also applies to text messages and instant messages on FB/Google. I’ll type things and have no idea immediately after that I wrote them.

However, it had never occurred to me that this was something that happened to other people. I always thought it was weird, but that was it. So I posted it and asked if it was really an ADHD thing. I was told it is.

Which led me to do some research on ADHD. It was then that I learned that I have a LOT of the traits: Inability to finish projects I start; delayed start on any project that involves a lot of thinking; impulsivity (mine is spending and eating); finishing people’s sentences when I can’t wait for them to do it. There were others, but these were the highlights.

I thought back to when I was a kid as well. I was never diagnosed, perhaps because I was always a good student. I LOVED school (until I hit high school). But, I was always a chatterbox. If a teacher didn’t re-direct my behavior I talked to other kids who were still working. In high school a Spanish teacher offered to just give me a B if I didn’t talk to anyone else in class. When something didn’t interest me, I didn’t deal with it. I stopped being a great student in high school because I was bored with school. High school was also when I developed a dislike for authority figures and was defiant.

I’m tired of being the person who doesn’t finish projects. I’m tired of being the person who can’t compete in direct sales because of my inability to make plans long-term for myself or follow through on them. I hate that I’m not controlling my spending and how it affects things I want to do.

I am REALLY tired of being distracted all the time. Of forgetting what I set out to do when I stand up. Of getting up to get water, and finding 30 things to do on the way. I want to be able to focus on things. I want to remember important things I need to do.

I won’t see my shrink again until September, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work on things in the meantime. I’ve borrowed books from the library on ADHD that include coping behaviors so that I can start NOW to do what I can to make things better for me. I have a planner that’s broken down into hourly segments so I can put myself on a schedule so I get things done. I’m using an app called Habitica to track my To-Do list so things don’t get forgotten (like paying bar dues). I’m going to start posting my goals where I can see them so I remember to do them. I’m very “out of sight, out of mind” and that’s a detriment.

I want better for my life. It’s going to take a lot of work on my end to come up with workarounds. But I’m tired of feeling like a failure, so whatever work it takes is worth it. I’d appreciate any positive thoughts you can spare and wishes of good luck!