A New Way of Life

I knew that I would enjoy working out to prep for the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February. I have always enjoyed working out since I get a sense of accomplishment pretty much every time I do it.

I had NO idea that this was going to become a THING for me. I’ve hit the point where when I’m frustrated or pissed off, I want go to the gym and hit the weights or even *gasp* run/walk. That’s completely new. Working out was a means to an end – be ready to do 13.1 miles and not get picked up by the bus of shame.

Now though it’s just part of my almost daily life. I don’t know if it’s because I’m working out 6 days/week, or if it’s because I’ve been going with Mr. Lyndsy, but it’s something that I can see continuing forever. There may be some bumps in the road depending on how things go medically in the near future, but I’ll cross that bridge should I come to it.

The catch to this is that I haven’t really been eating better. We went on a road trip and I definitely over consumed sugar and crap. I justified it as needing a boost in energy, but that doesn’t really fly. Now that we’ve landed back at the house, it’s time to get this part right too. I don’t feel like I see a tremendous difference in my body and I’m sure that’s due to the fact that I haven’t been eating well.

I’m an impatient person and I know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I didn’t put the weight on overnight (though it feels like it) and I won’t lose it overnight either. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I just want it all to fall off.

It takes 21 days to form new habits (I think I read that somewhere) so I need to find a way to make eating better a habit. I’m just so lazy…

Fatigue is a TOTAL DRAG

I know I’ve mentioned before that fatigue is one of the symptoms of fibromyalgia, diabetes, thyroid issues, lupus, etc. Since my thyroid and diabetes are under control, I suspect it’s not them. It could be the lupus. But the most likely culprit for the cause of the fatigue is fibro.

I don’t know what’s going on, but the last few weeks have been *really* bad. I downloaded and app for the AppleWatch that tracks your sleep for you. I figured that I’d have some issues since I know I don’t sleep particularly well – I wake up a lot, I toss and turn (can’t figure out why), but I didn’t expect that it would be this bad.

From the output, my deep sleep ranges anywhere from NO DEEP SLEEP to no more than 45-50 minutes usually. Most people need/get 2 hours of deep sleep.

This wouldn’t be a problem except that deep sleep is the restorative sleep. This is the time your body takes to heal itself. Because my body isn’t really getting a chance to do that, I’m constantly fatigued. I have pain. My brain is sluggish.

I tried using binaural beats to help induce delta waves, but that had limited results. It doesn’t help that right now I’m at a hotel with a crappy bed that’s way too small for me and Mr. Lyndsy to share it comfortably. Perhaps when I’m back in my bed and I have space, the binaural beats will have more of an effect. I hope so anyway.

When I’m back with my own doctors I will definitely be chatting with them about this. I’m sure (read: I hope) they’re all familiar with the necessity of deep sleep. I have no idea what the plan may be to correct it though. I’m not sure that my shrink will want to prescribe any kind of sleep medication since I’m already on an anti-depressant that’s supposed to be addressing it. I’m not also not sure that’s the correct solution since I do fall asleep and I can stay that way for 8 hours. (I think that’s a side effect of exercising 6 days/week.)

I am desperate to find a solution because I’m pretty sure at some point the body just shuts down when it’s not getting the time it needs to heal. At this point I can’t afford to have any more health issues. I have enough trouble managing the ones I have!

This is something I was thinking about the other day. Currently I work part-time from home, but at the point we move back to the United States (if we do), I may have to go back to work full-time outside the home. Right now I don’t think my body could do it. These days I’m not really taxing my body and mind the way working full-time does. Sitting at a desk for hour after hour while typing causes an immense amount of pain in my upper back and arms as well as my lower back. Additional pain will only exacerbate the brain fog.

I have a friend who has been going through the Social Security Disability process. Her doctor said something that has started to resonate with me: Her main job is to manage her illnesses.

At the time she shared that I didn’t understand what that meant. Now I have a better idea. I work out which keeps my body pretty stable and I sleep better when I work out (which isn’t saying much, apparently). I rest when I need to so that my body doesn’t collapse on me. I eat better, which is probably helping my body – giving it more energy for the workouts which are helping me sleep better.

But until I get all, or as many as possible, of my health issues worked out, working more isn’t a possibility. My focus right now HAS to be on getting things under control. They just aren’t right now. I’m working on it, but I’m not there yet.

And that’s okay. These are BIG issues for me. They take time to resolve. There’s just no way around that. Organs are being affected. My musculoskeletal system is involved. My brain is a little fried right now.

So right now, my priority is my body (or, as it is now known, My Preciousss). Once I get my body better sorted, I think many other things will follow.

State of the Marital Union: The Exception to the Rule

Well, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I have to say, I have no idea how 3 years has gone by so quickly.

The thing that remains true is that our marriage is easy. Life has thrown us some curve balls, but throughout all of it, our marriage has been fantastic. Our relationship has been so stress-free. We’ve had ONE really tense situation, and that was just because we hadn’t communicated well enough regarding a couple situations. We resolved it quickly too.

We were on our way to dinner with my mom and a close family friend (who’s like a mom to me) and they both talked about how marriage isn’t that easy. Again, it was pointed out how we are the exception to the rule.

I still find this amusing since I’m not sure what we do so differently than others that makes us the exception. I guess we’re just lucky.

We had lunch at The Melting Pot, which is a favorite of ours. At least we know which of the 7 Deadly Sins is likely to be my downfall. Yum, delicious GLUTTONY!

I hope we continue being the happy exception to the rule. I need the stability he provides in my life. He continues to tell me that I do something for him, though I have yet to figure out what exactly, LOL.

Transformers: The Last Knight: A review

 

I’ll be honest, I’m not really a fan of this series of movies. I was okay with the first one, but they lost me with the second one. I was shocked to see that there were any others.

However, Mr. Lyndsy enjoys them so I said I would go. Ugh.

1. The story was more interesting than I thought it would be.

2. Does Michael Bay have something against casting women who aren’t basically models? Men are going to go see this movie anyway, it’s unnecessary.

3. I’m guessing the length of the movie is directly proportional to the size of Michael Bay’s ego and inversely propositional to the size of his penis.

4. They left open the possibility that there would be another film. My guess is that as long as this one makes money, we’re stuck with it.

5. I’m not sure which movie did it, but at some point this series became about making money rather than producing something for quality.

I hope to avoid the next one and will probably do what I can to skip seeing it. I may not have to do too much to avoid it. Mr. Lyndsy wasn’t particularly enthralled with this one. Fingers crossed.

Back at it!

I’m finally back in the gym to prep for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon that happens in February.

I’m not surprised how much I’ve enjoyed being back in the gym, even if I hate doing it at, what is for me, the ass crack of dawn. Mr. Lyndsy prefers to get the workout done in the morning, whereas I would prefer the evening.

However, now that he has me doing some pre-drink with him and a protein shake after, I can see where it makes sense to do it first.

I think that whatever he has me doing has benefits, since I was able to push myself more today than I normally would have, especially given the fatigue I feel on a constant basis.

I’ve gone two days in a row, now I just need to keep it up. Mr. Lyndsy can’t go to the gym without me, and I know how important it is to him that he go, so I will probably be able to sustain it at least as long as he’s here with me. (He goes home about a month before I do.)

However, once I get into the habit of going, it’s usually pretty easy for me to keep it. I’m also seriously committed to being able to finish this marathon and not getting picked up by the Bus of Shame.

I managed to get into a jog. This is impressive not only because I don’t jog, but also because I didn’t trip over my right foot. Walking is occasionally a problem, but as long as I concentrate on getting my foot down and up, I may be okay.

I will definitely need to get some new shoes. That’s awesome because I love shopping, even for shoes. I haven’t decided which Disney Princess I want to be for the marathon, so eventually I’ll be picking shoes that will match my tutu.

I think Princess Leia seems like the obvious choice, but I don’t know. Which Disney Princess would you be if you were doing the marathon?

Wonder Woman: A review

I know I’m late to this party (there are reasons – I did not intentionally delay seeing it).

HOLY SHIT.

1. I love the lack of female nudity and getting to see Chris Pine in the buff.

2. There was THIGH JIGGLE. I read about this online because people were stoked to see it and I get why. Thigh jiggle happens, even when it’s muscle. That’s just life. It’s nice to see that pop up on the big screen.

3. It was super well-paced. I never got bored.

4. I think a planet of only women is starting to look pretty damn amazing.

5. Wonder Woman is bad ass. There is no way around that.

6. I love the movie’s conclusion – that only love will ever trump hate. I totally agree with that. There isn’t another way for us to move forward.

7. I look forward to more films directed by Patty Jenkins.

What was I doing?

Between the lack of sleep on Saturday night and staying up over 24 hours on Sunday (we flew back in time), I was a little wiped out when I got up today. I think I got a decent amount of sleep and it wasn’t terrible sleep. But it just wasn’t enough.

I have spent the entire day forgetting from one second to the next what I was doing. I’d pull out my phone and forget why. Or, I’d pull it out, get distracted by a notification, handle it, and then put the phone down. I slurred words a bunch. I forgot what I was saying in the middle of a sentence.

My brain is done. I think this has happened to me before, but I either didn’t really notice or was too overwhelmed with something else to care. Today it was incredibly frustrating. I should have realized much earlier on in the day that trying to do two things at once was a bad idea. Instead, I continued to try to multi-task. Fail.

I’m hoping a nice restorative sleep this evening will save me from myself tomorrow. I hope this isn’t a new, long-term problem for me. I don’t think I could handle it!

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword: A Review

How lucky are you that you get to read my review of a second movie this week. Not only that, it’s one that’s been out for AGES already. But anyway, King Arthur.

I was most definitely iffy about this one. But again, when you’re in a movie drought, you will take what you can get. It was certainly better than anything else there. (I refuse to see Aliens or whatever the hell it is). Also, I’m a big fan of the Arthur legends. Real talk for a minute? I’m also a fan of hot men, like Charlie Hunnam, taking off their shirts a lot on camera. They probably could have turned off the sound and I would have been fine with that too.

Anyway, this seemed like quite the different take than the other Arthur legends I’ve been aware of. I completely forgot that Uther Pendragon ever existed, despite watching the entire Merlin series, where Uther features most prominently. But I digress.

This tale starts with the takeover by Vortigern (I still hate Jude Law for some reason) as he kills his own wife (played by Katie McGrath who played Morgana in Merlin, I assumed she was going to have a real, evil role in this one, but no such luck) to gain power to eventually kill Uther. Arthur is a small boy and makes his way, not unlike the Disney Hercules, in a boat to be picked up by prostitutes. He’s raised in a brothel, knowing nothing of his true identity, and falls into the role of protector. Save the ladies, piss off the wrong guys, etc. As he’s trying to escape the Black Leg, he gets picked up and forced to try to withdraw the sword from the stone. (How is gets there is perhaps one of the coolest parts of the movie.)

SURPSIE AND AWE! HE DOES IT!

Then the rest of the movie is about Vortigern trying to kill Arthur to have all the power. Arthur gets assisted by a great cast of people, with awesome names like George, Wet Stick, Back Lack, Blue, and the Mage. Now, the Mage is just pure awesome. In another life it might be fun to be her.

The movie ends how you expect it to. No surprise there.

I had really low expectations going into it. The previews looked terrible, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I think a lot of it had to do with the film score. Sometimes that can make or a break a movie.

If you’re looking for a cool rental and you like the King Arthur legends, this one shouldn’t disappoint.

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Out of the Suicide Spiral

As you read earlier this week, my weekend was… NOT GOOD to say the lease. That’s the worst I’ve been in a while and I would rather not get anywhere near that again. My shrink is changing my meds up some and she gave me a list of 10 Forms of Twisted Thinking so that I can identify the shitty thoughts and recognize them for what they are.

Of course, that assumes that I don’t already know the thoughts are fucked up when I have them – I do. It’s just that I can’t control how fast they come and spiral.

BUT, as I was crawling out of the spiral on Sunday night, I had an excellent conversation with a very good friend about depression and why I struggle with it so much. She said what a lot of people say, that depression is a liar. A light went off in my head. I thought of something else everyone calls a liar, or rather The Great Deceiver – Satan.

Which led me to one of my derailed trains of thought. I won’t get into that in its entirety because 1. I can’t remember it i full and 2. It doesn’t really matter. The conclusion I ultimately reached is that the depression is trying to get me to stop shining my light in this world and stop me from fulfilling my role in the larger universe.

The reason this is important to me is that most often I’m not willing to do something for my SELF. Typically I just don’t care enough. Bad things happen to me. Boohoo. Okay. I deserved it. It’s karma. Whatever. But, when something affects OTHER PEOPLE, I have a problem with it.

People have told me that I’ve helped them through things. That something I shared with them mattered. That I affect more people than I know. I have a problem with depression trying to take that away. THAT is not okay.

So now, I have a reason to fight. To not just let go when the spiral forms beneath me. I will see that black hole and tell it to go fuck itself. I have people to help.