Hit by the Blargh

I’d been doing really well, posting every weekday. Then yesterday came along and I was hit by the Blargh. I was up earlier than usual, which should have meant extra productivity. Instead, it was like I hit a wall. I just didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to work on my puzzle. I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to work. I didn’t want to chat online. I didn’t want to design anything. NOTHING.

That hadn’t happened to me recently and I have no idea what triggered it. I’ve been really productive lately. Posting online for all my direct sales endeavors, assisting in sales, writing, creating, etc. My emotional balance has been pretty awesome. I had one anxiety attack a little bit ago. My fibro has been under control, meaning the meds are working to keep joint pain away and my upper back hasn’t been bothering me. I have been sleeping a ton, but I don’t know that that will ever change. One of the anti-depressants makes me sleep a lot. But, at this point, given the emotional balance I have, I won’t risk changing it for something else.

So yeah, yesterday ended up being kind of a fail. Today hasn’t started off so well either. I woke up later than I wanted to. I had weird and disorienting dreams with effects that lasted past waking. I HATE those dreams. So much. I’ve been super uncoordinated too, spilling food in our newly cleaned apartment, nearly dropping things off counters. It’s like I’m not awake enough to be trying anything.

I hope that wears off as the day goes on since I have stuff I’d like to get done today and I intend to make Mr. Lyndsy take me on a date tonight! We’re going to see a movie we don’t really feel like seeing since nothing else is playing (they don’t generally release new movies during Ramadan) and have a dinner that neither of us has to cook or clean up after. That’s always nice.

Anyway, here’s to it being Friday!

Dear Dems, please get it together

Dear Democrats,

We’re at a very critical junction in history right now. For as fucked up as we thought things were under George W. Bush, this is a whole lot worse. Trump’s approval ratings hit an incredible low, one that usually takes people at least a year to get to. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

True talk right now, radical honesty: You’re not very good at winning elections. There’s rarely a unified strategy. You wait until the last minute to pull something together. There is a lot of information that should be coming from the top down, and you don’t do it. You should be reaching out to college kids on a constant basis, training them on the party values, getting them into communities to talk to people, and you’re not. That’s a golden missed opportunity right there.

You seem to have forgotten who made the party strong. You’re catering to elites instead of to the working class. I have no idea where the principles of FDR have gone. We need progressive ideals if you want to win the people over and push the party forward. A lot of the time, you’re sort of just left of center. As this past election has shown you, that’s not a safe place to be. It alienated MANY voters. And, the wrong voters – the young voters. They are the future of the party. Unless you want to become what the GOP has turned into, you better make some changes, and fast.

The party does have a broad base and that makes finding consensus hard. At times things will have to be broken down to location. Not supporting a candidate who doesn’t like abortion even though he’s in one of the most conservative states in the nation is stupid. The reality is that we have to find a way to cater to everyone, not just a portion of the voting population. Will more liberal voters dislike it? Absolutely. Does that matter in the long run? No. They aren’t voting in those states. They’re focusing on what’s happening with their race at home. There you can pick the more liberal candidate.

You need to work smarter. You need to find a way to get people involved much earlier in the process. Like right now, for example. You should have boots on the ground all over the US registering people to vote when the pressure of an election isn’t on them. You should be communicating with people, showing them why what the Republicans are doing harms them, AND why what you’re proposing is better.

It’s time to be aggressive. It’s time to show the nation that you mean business. No more sitting back on your heels waiting for the Republicans to do something so you can respond. That’s not going to win you support and it’s not going to win you elections. If you have any hope of becoming the dominant party, you have to make those changes. Now.

Stop letting the party fracture. Reach out. Build consensus. Get more moderate people talking to more progressive people. See where the compromise is. Because none of us wants to lose to the GOP anymore. We’re sick of CheetoSatan, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Jefferson Sessions, Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, Ivanka, and Jared.

DO SOMETHING.

Dear Everyone “With Her”, move on

Dear Everyone With Her,

I said yesterday that I Felt the Bern, and it’s true, I did. I love progressive ideals and I think we need them to move this country forward. However, I’m also pragmatic. Since Bill Clinton was POTUS, I’ve recognized how brilliant Hillary is, and what she could do for us as POTUS herself.

So when the election rolled around, I was out canvassing.

The thing about Hillary though is that she’s a terrible candidate. People can’t help but make comparison to Bill, and he’s practically the definition of charisma. Voters like charismatic people. In one-on-one settings Hillary is reportedly fantastic, but that doesn’t get you to the presidency. It gets you elected president of the PTA. Hillary did look great compared to Bill when it came to morality though, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, Russian bots ruined that for her and voters disinclined to do any homework ate it up. That was truly a travesty.

I think Hillary was a better candidate than Bernie because what she was pushing for seemed achievable. We weren’t going to get to Medicare for all anytime soon. People aren’t ready for that kind of change, especially since they never fully seemed to understand the Affordable Care Act. It was too much, too fast.

Also, not everyone is as progressive. Running Bernie would have pushed people into voting for Trump or a third-party just to feel safer about the possible changes. Government has gone so far over most people’s heads it’s frightening. Politicians aren’t taking time to explain what’s happening in layman’s terms. Not only that, bills are stuff with so much pork, it’s hard to know exactly what someone is really voting for. That’s something we need to change for sure.

Obviously something weird happened this past election or the person who won the popular vote would have won the presidency. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and given our system, it may not be the last. However, we can’t let that control how we do things going forward. We can’t sit back and be pissed at everyone we thought was stupid because they voted for Trump. They did and it’s done. We can’t sit back be pissed about everyone who voted third-party. They did and it’s done.

Now we have to find a way to work with the rest of the Left to come up with something that is progressive, but also achievable. Not working with progressives is not an option unless we want Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and others of their ilk to continue to win elections. Their party has gone straight off the rails. Reasonable conservatives (yes, they exist) are at a loss now. They’re working to understand what happened and looking for where they belong in this new political landscape. Now may be a chance to grab them.

I hope going forward that Everyone With Her and the Bernie Bros can find a way forward, together. It’s going to take everyone to stop the evil that’s infected our democracy.

Dear Bernie Bros, move on

Dear Bernie Bros,

Look, I get it. I was Feeling the Bern too. I thought the primaries and caucuses were a little sketchy. I thought Mother Nature herself was telling us to vote for Bernie.

It didn’t matter to me that Bernie Sanders hasn’t been a Democrat in a really long time. Democrats wanted him as their candidate, that’s all that mattered to me. I think we need a progressive platform to move this country forward. I also think Democrats have forgotten who they should be representing.

That all being said, the election is over. Election 2016 was a giant clusterfuck. But anyone who plays sports or enjoys them knows that if you can’t play with the refs, don’t play at all. There has probably never been a refereed game where the refs got all of the calls right. People walk away pissed off. But, if you’re relying on the referees to win a game, chances are good you haven’t played well enough to earn the win.

So yeah, what I’m saying is that Bernie didn’t do enough to win the game. People of color had issues with him that never got resolved. He pushed hard on economic issues, but didn’t speak to racial issues enough. A lot of people who are older than 30 or 35 felt like he was *too* progressive. While that sounds ridiculous to us, there’s a point to be made there. Our government can only accomplish so much at any given time. If we want to see massive progressive changes, that CANNOT happen from the top down. It has to happen at the local and state levels first. It was NEVER going to happen just by electing Sanders.

What Bernie was able to do was bring Hillary to the Left, which was tremendous. If she even wanted a shot at winning, she had to get Millennials to believe in her, at least a little bit. She moved Left enough to bring people in and stayed where most her base could stay with her.

We need to accept the fact that Bernie wasn’t the nominee. Would he have beaten Mango Mussolini? I think so. But, as much fun as that mental masturbation is, it wasn’t how it fell out. If you want to keep jerking off over it, do it privately. Don’t waste space on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or wherever else doing it. We don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry. It’s the truth.

The 2018 mid-term elections aren’t that far away. If the Republicans can’t get find their fucking morality between now and then, we need to get people elected who will do something about. People who are committed to progressive ideals. People who will do what they promise to do. THAT is what matters now. Not what happened to Bernie months ago.

Unless we want a repeat of this awful fucking election in 2018 and 2020, we need to get with the program. And fast. Otherwise, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and their cluster of evil will beat us again. And again. I that what you want? I know it’s not what I want. I’m tired of losing to soulless, self-absorbed, greedy, conservatives who don’t exhibit any of the values they claim to have.

Let’s join together and talk about the things we all have in common, the things we all want to see happen. Economic prosperity for all. Social equality for all. Healthcare for all. If we focus on those things, we should not only be able to band together with everyone on the Left, we may even be able to pull in people on the Right.

What do you say?

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Comey: 1, Trump: 0

I wasn’t going to, but I ended up watching part of James Comey’s testimony yesterday. Here are my takeaways:

  1. This Russia business is serious shit. They ramped up their campaign against America in 2016, and it’s not over with yet. I was a little concerned when Comey emphasized that it wasn’t about Republicans or Democrats, because that could weaken the argument that Trump’s team was colluding with the Russians. But, the reality is, Putin is interested in destabilizing the US and will align himself with whoever he needs to accomplish that. In Election 2016 that clearly wasn’t going to be Hillary since she was warning everyone what Russia was up to.
  2. I’m less pissed about Comey’s commentary regarding Hillary’s email issues in the last election. I don’t know why he bothered with anything in the days leading up to the election, since that clearly hurt Clinton, but the reality is that Russian bots were already hard at work spinning whatever they could for the MAGA crowd, so I don’t know how much of a difference it really made.
  3. Our elected officials are not looking out for our best interests. The questions about Hillary’s email issues were a complete waste of time given the point of the hearing. They were looking to give FoxNews some soundbites they could use, and they got those. They didn’t get to the heart of the issue at all: Russia’s interference and whether Trump obstructed justice.
  4. John McCain is out of touch with reality. I have serious questions about his ability to do his job. He kept asking about why Clinton was cleared of the Russian investigation. Try as he might, Comey could not get it through to McCain that they were separate investigations. McCain tried to clarify after the hearing what he was getting at, but he still missed the point. The email investigation was OVER. That’s why Comey could comment regarding whether Clinton had done anything criminal. At no point during his tenure at the FBI was the Russia investigation concluded to where Comey would have been free to comment on Trump’s culpability.
  5. Our elected officials aren’t looking out for our best interests. I want to throw this one out there again. The questions about why Comey didn’t stand up to Trump, resign in the face of questions about the administration, and why he didn’t immediately pursue an inquiry against Trump for his pressure to end an investigation completely miss the point. They’re illogical. The best way to stand up to Trump and defend America against Trump was to stay quiet and in his position to start that investigation. Resigning wouldn’t have left him in a position to do any of that.
  6. Comey knew from the beginning what most of us have known about Trump – he cannot be trusted. One of the senators on the panel brought up the excellent point that in the law, writings made contemporaneously with a meeting are given great weight because they’re seen as being more accurate. Comey knew what a snake Trump is and knew that, should he display any form of disloyalty, he’d be out on his ass. Basically, he did exactly what every law student is taught: He covered his ass. CYA is one of the first things you learn in law school, and if not there, definitely in practice.
  7. Trump obstructed justice. Some of the senators appeared to try to suggest that Trump saying he “hoped” that Comey would let the Flynn thing go (since he’d been asked to resign) wasn’t really a directive to Comey. That’s a damn big reach. Trump boots everyone out of the office and one-on-one has a serious conversation with Comey? That’s got to raise some eyebrows. It doesn’t matter that Trump has publicly shared his disapproval of the Russia investigation. He met with Comey, by himself. Comey said he felt like Trump was giving him a directive, under those circumstances. If he wasn’t trying to issue a directive, why say anything at all? Trump was attempting to influence an investigation that affected members of his team. That’s obstruction. It doesn’t matter that he (may) lawfully has the authority to direct who or what should be investigated.
  8. Comey did the right thing by sharing his memos. Comey testified that he shared his memos with a friend who shared them with the news in the hopes that a special prosecutor would be appointed. He knew that shit stank to high heaven in the administration and that the only way anything would truly be investigated is if there was a special prosecutor. The only way to make that happen was to drop a huge bombshell. Well done.

Of course, none of these hearings matter if Republicans won’t get their shit together and do what’s best for the country. Democracy as we know it was attacked and will continue to be attacked unless we do something. If Republicans don’t stand up now, who knows if there will be anything left to fight for.

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My new word for 2017: Me

My word for the year was “determined.” Really, it was, “I am a determined unicorn.” A good friend of mine says that we shouldn’t pick words in an attempt to outsmart the Universe, but I feel like my choice of determined is sort of kicking my ass. It seems like what I did was invite challenging situations to show just how determined I am. Like my regular life wasn’t enough for that. Ahem.

When I picked “determined” I was thinking about my commitment to my growing direct sales empire and making sure that I’m doing the most I can to succeed. I have been making strides toward that though the first 4 or so months not so much. I got caught up in being overwhelmed and having situations sort of fall apart that made it harder to do. I didn’t have focus. Some of that was because I had no idea how to keep all the ideas that were flying around in my head coordinated. Y’all, I don’t know what the hell happens up there, but it’s like a party with a loud DJ and no chaperone to tell it to stop.

I also wasn’t on the right meds at the beginning of the year. My emotional state was a bit of a mess, though I felt a bit better physically. Now I’m on the right meds, but my body is sort of taking a crap on me. To really have things move along sort of smoothly, even a little smoothly, is that my body and mind need to work in conjunction a bit better. They both need to be sort of okay. I still have some anxiety issues and dips into the dark places in my mind, but it’s happened less often. My body though? Ugh. I seem to be out of a fibro flare that lasted a good long while, so that’s positive. I just wish my lady garden would get with the program.

That all brings me to the point that I still need to be focusing on ME. I need to focus on getting my body together. I need to be more functional. Less tired. More able to wake up and get going. I need to take advantage of the fact that my mental health is more stable so I can be creative. Creativity is how I know that I’m okay. If I’m not creating, something is wrong. I read a lot more when things aren’t great. It doesn’t require any effort on my part.

I have found ways to keep the craziness in my head somewhat controlled. I am working on systems to make sure I complete things I want to complete and still get to create. I need to get a bit better about it though to fully explore everything I’m interested in. But, I really need my body to get more with me before I can do that. I hope that happens somewhat soon!

Anyway, thanks for continuing to read along! I do hope to add some more sound to this at some point so you can hear me rather than just read me. Maybe even a video from time to time! And as always, I appreciate the kind and positive vibes you send me. I do think they make a difference!

This presidency is an unmitigated disaster

The US President is no longer the leader of the free world. The US isn’t even viewed as a full democracy anymore.

The US is no longer leading the call for a cleaner and more sustainable world. It’s fallen to mayors and other leading city and county executives to ensure the health and well-being of its citizens and work with global leaders since the federal government can’t do what’s right.

States are passing single-payer health systems because the federal government can’t come together and do what’s best for its citizens.

The Attorney General reportedly offered to resign because Mango Mussolini won’t give him the freedom to do his job (not that I love what Sessions was trying to do, but still). Can’t accept the resignation though because he wouldn’t be able to push someone else though and the guy waiting in the wings actually wants to do his damn job.

It’s now completely and openly known that Putin interfered in our election and gave the victory to Twitler. Yet no one seems to want to do anything about it. Of course, we shouldn’t expect Republicans, like Paul Ryan, to do anything about it since so many of them either knew about or participated in the fraud. (Russians are also hacking internationally and screwing with international relations.)

It feels like the United States is falling apart. Racism is back in the open with more attacks on minorities than before. People feel emboldened by Trump’s lack of humanity and unwillingness to tell people to respect each other. Our elected officials seem to have absolutely no regard for their roles and are acting in only their best interests. The government that was supposed to be FOR the people is gone.

And what can we do about it? We’re resisting as best we can, but that doesn’t seem to be having an effect. Even Democrats can’t seem to get their shit together to do anything to move us forward. Popular officials, like Cory Booker, have been taking money from Crooked Jared Kushner, and aren’t responding to calls for explanations or promises to stop.

The 2018 elections aren’t far away, but it’s going to be a long time until we get there. We must keep being active. Speaking out against the wrongs and in support of each other. It’s time to make new connections with those around us. We must start caring about each other’s stories. We must start validating each other’s lives.

If we cannot do that, the US will surely stop existing as we knew it. We cannot let Trump and his cronies do that to us. To what we’ve built. We need to bring back the hope.

Men do NOT get to tell women what makes them sexy

I got involved in a Facebook discussion about whether women should wear makeup. This is the original post:

I bet if women replaced their time putting make up on with push ups, squats, and sit ups, they wouldn’t feel the need for make up

Just no. That’s how I’m going to start this, just NO.

If women had sexier bodies they wouldn’t need to cover their faces with makeup? First, that doesn’t actually make sense. Bodies and faces are two very different things. Insecurity about one doesn’t necessarily mean insecurity about the other, nor does wearing makeup help if a woman feels insecure about her body.

Second, that suggests that women only wear makeup because they’re insecure. That’s just not the case. Most of the women I know who wear makeup do it because they feel like they’re highlighting their natural assets, or because they like color. As someone on the threat pointed out, there’s an ART FORM to it. Makeup, like the clothes we choose, the piercings or tattoos we have, are forms of self-expression.

Third, what a man finds sexy is IRRELEVANT. So many of the posts were about what MEN like. Um, here’s the thing. I don’t give a FLYING FUCK what men like. When I wear something it’s because *I* like it. ME ME ME. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m trying to be comfortable and happy with what I’ve got on. From head to toe, I’m doing what I’m doing because it makes ME feel good.

NO WOMAN IS ON THIS EARTH TO SERVE MEN. 

This is some of the most patriarchal fucking bullshit I have seen in a long time. Are you fucking kidding me? This is what you like so women should abide? Get the fuck out of here with that. If that’s what you like, you go ahead and find a woman who agrees with that. Don’t spread your shit like it’s the Gospel.

Are there women who wear makeup because they’re insecure? I am sure there are and that breaks my heart. I want women to be happy to be themselves. I hope one day they can find peace with themselves.

Men who say this shit think they’re HELPING. “Babe, focus on your body. Don’t worry about the makeup.” How about you step the fuck off? *I* control my body, not you. It is here to serve ME in this earthly life, NOT YOU.

Men, stop trying to control my body, my face, whatever. They aren’t here for you. I wasn’t born for your viewing pleasure. Worry about your own shit. Get a fucking hobby and leave me the hell alone.

Waiting is the pits

IN my never-ending saga of medical drama, I had a D&C yesterday so that the doctors can try to figure out why my uterus hates me. This isn’t the first time I’ve had one. I had polyps in 2008 that they took out by D&C. I assumed it was polyps this time too. I was wrong.

Turns out, it was an abnormally thickened endometrial lining with cystic lesions and increased vascularity. That doesn’t sound good, and Dr. Google confirms that’s likely the case. They’re calling it endometrial hyperplasia and the goal now is to determine if that’s true, the type (with or without atypica), or whether it’s cancer.

So now I wait.

I’ve already researched the hell out of all of it. Apparently 30-33% of cancer cases started as endometrial hyperplasia with atypia. If it’s atypia or cancer, the uterus comes out. If it’s cancer, the ovaries go too. I’d like to keep the ovaries to avoid an early menopause, but I’m not fucking around with cancer. Most of the time if there’s cancer in the uterus, it’s also in the ovaries. Thanks, but no thanks.

So I’m left with two weeks before my appointment, knowing the results will likely be available after a week. That’s the type of waiting that kills me. SOMEONE knows what’s going on, but it’s NOT ME. I want it to be ME. Even if I couldn’t see the doctor, I could get the report and obsessively research whatever it is. I like to be informed so I can ask good questions while I’m with the doctor, rather than getting the information and not knowing what to ask while I’m there.

At the end of the day, it is what it is. I’m trying to fill my time with creative and productive activity so I don’t worry. I ordered a puzzle that should be here before too long, which will hopefully take me some time to complete. I’m going to try to spend more time designing cross-stitch patterns, t-shirt and sticker designs, and some things for the direct sales companies I work with.

It’s still going to be a tough two weeks. I doubt I’ll make it that long. I think they have my appointment with the wrong doctor anyway, so I may try to do a walk-in appointment. I also need to go to the dentist for a cavity and also get a pap smear (since the doc saw something she thinks needs to be checked out to make sure it’s not cervical cancer – joy), so maybe I’ll sneak in then.

Before anyone tells me that it’ll all be okay, I won’t need a hysterectomy, please understand that whatever is needed, I’m fine with. I’ve had problems for so long that the idea of hysterectomy is actually a relief. I just need to get things better, so I’m less stressed and have less pain. I can’t deal with that on top of everything else.

I’m trying to keep it simple, stupid 😉

Wiped out

This week has been long and draining. I have had less energy than the last few months. It’s made being productive an incredible challenge. Because I hate losing, I’ve been doing things I want to (since it’s on an app that asks me whether I’ve done things and I won’t lie to the app), but it hasn’t been as exciting for me to do.

I’ve accepted that pain and discomfort are a regular part of my life now. I didn’t know that in 2014, and for a long while I expected that everything would turn around and I could go back to my old life. Accepting it hasn’t really made life easier. I guess I don’t get disappointed as often. I don’t wake up and then get sad when I realize that my right leg still doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to.

I think the real problem is that acceptance only covers what exists at the time you accepted your life. New problems don’t get factored in, particularly for things that never would have occurred to you. Perhaps that is why this week has been worse. I’m dealing with something new and mostly unexpected. Well, blah on that.

My life feels a little like Frogger. I’m darting around the highway trying to get to the other side while avoiding a collision with a car. (Side note, I’ve seen a frog get hit by a car and it is NOT pretty. Strangest thing was that the frog seemed to purposely jump under the tire.) Jumping around while the highway is packed is exhausting. You move forward only to have to move back. Then you jump sideways and realize you didn’t get anywhere, so you panic and jump without really looking first.

Argh. I’m tired. I hope this finds you better than I feel now.