Care Bear Stare

30-day Project

This month is a two-fer in terms of projects. I wanted to do something spiritual in addition to butchering haiku. What I learned today is that I’m basically doing a Care Bear Stare.

I’m sure some of you have no idea what  Care Bear Stare is. The Care Bears were a TV show in the 1980s about a  group of bears who live in the clouds and help people out. Each bear has a different positive symbol on its tummy (except Grumpy Bear who has a raincloud) that characterizes his/her personality.

My favorite was always Cheer Bear. For my 5th birthday my dad gave me a stuffed Cheer Bear and I *still* have him. He used to be pink, but years of travel have made him slightly more gray than pink.

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The Cheer Bears overcome whatever evil is plaguing them by doing a Care Bear Stare. They all line up and project their happy and positive symbols into a rainbow. BAM! Evil defeated.

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So today, while I was sitting in bed, legs sort of crossed (damn cast), I was projecting love, light, and positivity to my friend. She’s been going through some rough shit lately and I wanted to see if I could help in some way. I was basically visualizing a rainbow of those emotions going to her. It hit me that I was doing a Care Bear Stare. I also visualized weights being lifted off her shoulders and her walking on clouds now that so much has been taken off her.

Before actually doing this today, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to get through five minutes of this. When I try to meditate, my mind wanders and try as I might, I cannot reel it back in when I’m counting breaths or trying to focus on a word.

But when I actually started doing it and visualizing my friend being lifted the time flew by. I was shocked when my timer went off.

Even more than that, *I* felt lighter and lifted. Prior to this exercise I was feeling a bit down and sort of dumpy. Not after I was done. I do love giving and I very much believe that in order to receive you must give, but I had no idea it would have the impact on me that it did.

I even drew a picture of my visualization that I will share with my friend. I’m not much of an artist, so it looks nothing like her, but I think it’ll get the point across.

The only thing that sort of sucks about this is that I have no idea if it’s really doing anything. I’ve read a lot about the power of thought and the power of prayer. I *hope* that all of it’s true and that I am making a difference.

Haiku for you: Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day

Haiku

The haiku will come, but first, some background. I had to do some research on haiku as the only thing I knew that it was three lines and a particular number of syllables (but I didn’t know how many).

There are three elements to haiku:

1. 17 syllables, in three lines, 5, 7, 5.

2. A cutting line – usually the second line. It causes a break so the third relates to the first two but stands on its own.

3. Reference to a season. Doesn’t have to specifically mention spring, summer, etc., but can be done by referencing things related to the season (i.e. heat, cold, leaves).

To give myself some topics, I found a calendar of July days.

The reality is that I am not a haiku master, but it’s a fun little exercise. Mine won’t follow all the rules (except the first – 17 syllables in 5, 7, 5), so don’t judge me for it. And without further ado, I present to you my first haiku:

So hot is the day
But which flavor shall I choose?
Strawberry and cheese

Almost halfway, sort of

I went back to the doctor today for a follow-up. I’ve only ever had one cast before this one and if I remember correctly, I sawed it off myself. I know intellectually that the saw isn’t going to cut me, but in reality, getting a cast taken off is fucking horrifying.

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It really freaked me out when they went over the place where I have stitches on the inside of my foot. I still get weird tingles and vibrations there and it’s sensitive when things touch it.

I didn’t get any pictures of the wounds this time, but the doctor said they’re healing well. They don’t need to take out the stitches by hand because they are apparently the kind that dissolve. The doctor said they don’t want to do anything that might mess up the tendon transfer. Seems smart to me.

The new cast is less colorful (which makes it better for drawing) but it’s also shorter and tighter. Both of these things make me happy.

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 I have another 3 weeks in a cast. The doctor wants to make sure that I get 6 full weeks without ANY plantar flexion to make sure the tendon has a chance to attach. After this, I move into this monster boot.

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Not the greatest picture, but you get the idea. It’s basically as tall as the current cast is. The cool thing about this is that you can set it so you only get so much flexion. The doctor also said that for another 6 weeks, he doesn’t want any extreme plantar flexion. He’s nervous about this transfer because I don’t really have any tendons left to transfer if something happens to the ones he just did. I would then be looking at craptastic bracing forever or an ankle fusion. NO THANK YOU. So I will be careful and do what he says. He wants a little movement once I’m in the boot but nothing crazy.

I have another follow-up in 2 weeks to the see doctor who performed the surgery before he goes on leave. The next week I see another doctor to get the cast off, get it looked at, and get myself into the boot.

I do not think I will be able to describe in words how happy I will be when I am able to put my damn foot on the ground again. It’s hard to stomp your feet and pitch a fit when you can’t let your foot bear any weight.

A Good Month

I talked briefly about this yesterday, but this has been a really good month for me. I’ve been on a different sleeping schedule to go with my new job – I don’t get up until the afternoon and I’m up until 3am or 4am. I’ve always been more of a night owl, so this feels more natural to me than waking up in the morning.

I think the other thing that’s really helped is writing every day. Forced creativity apparently agrees with me. It was an easy way to give everyone a status update on my health after the surgery, which was a total bonus.

It’s been my thought for a while that if I wasn’t blogging it meant that something was wrong. It never occurred to me that I could sort of force myself out of a funk by making myself write. I’m not entirely sure if that’s what really happened this month, but I feel like that could be right.

The other thing that may have contributed is that I finally feel like I’m on a path to really doing something about the foot drop. I’ve had less pain this month, even after the surgery, because I haven’t been able to walk on it. Pain with walking is really frustrating and energy-zapping. I hope that the pain stays away when I’m back to walking on both feet.

I’m not sure what’s made the difference this month – whether it was the writing or the health or the sleeping or all three, but it’s been really excellent. Thanks to everyone who has commented or liked the blog posts. It helps keep me going!

30-Day Project: July – Positively Filled with Haiku

30-day Project

I can’t believe it’s almost July already! That means it’s time for another 30-day project! When I came up with the idea to do this, I wasn’t sure I would really keep up with it. I am not always great about finishing things I start, but I figured if it was just 30 days, I could probably handle it.

Tracking my food and water in May was great – I learned that I really do not ever drink enough water. We usually have plenty of water around, so I don’t have an excuse not to do it. Water isn’t my favorite beverage, but it is the one that never upsets my stomachs and always makes me feel better. My lips are in such bad shape right now that they’re cracked and painful. I really do have to track it on my app to make sure I’m getting enough.

I have really loved blogging this month. I don’t know if that’s what’s made me feel so much better lately or if it’s finally having the tendon transfer so I can start making progress (or maybe a combo of the two), but I’m happier than I have been in a while. So, excellent.

In July I’m going for a two-fer and I hope it doesn’t sink me. Someone suggested a haiku a day and I thought it sounded like fun. I looked up a calendar of fun/unusual days in July and I’m using it as the basis for the poetry. I don’t want to drown the blog in haiku, so those will all be posted on the Facebook page. I have started to write some of it, but none will be posted until July.

I wanted to add in something a little more meaningful that would also make me feel good, so the other half of the July 30-day project is that I will spend at least 5 minutes per day sending positive energy to someone who seems to need it. I think this will have an effect similar to me meditating but I will also get the satisfaction that comes from when I give. I’m hoping to design little ecards to go with it so people know I’ve been thinking about them.

I’m really looking forward to July!

Ugh…my leg

It’s been a while since I gave an update about my leg. I have a doc appointment on Tuesday but I definitely wish it were before then. 

I’ve started having muscle spasm type things in the tibialis anterior. The pain seems t go pretty far down, which is interesting since the lower part is where I’ve had a lot of numbness since the fusion. 

I had some pain travel down into my big toe too. Same situation as the lower leg – haven’t really had any feeling there since the fusion. 

The top of the peroneal nerve has had some problems as well, by not as frequently as anything else. I get a pins and needles feeling in the bottom, outside, and heel. 

The stitches on the outside and top of my are itchy and occasionally painful. I really hope those come out at this next appointment. 

There are days when I I’m almost used to the cast and days that I want to saw it off my leg with a kitchen knife. Mr. Lyndsy won’t buy me my own saw. 

Things could definitely be worse and I’m of the belief that everything is just healing and that’s why it feels weird. Let’s hope I’m right!

I’m debating smuggling a razor into my next doctor appointment. The leg hair is strong with this one. 

  

Put Your Money Where Your Hateful Mouth Is

No Love

Anti-marriage advocates (I shall call them anti-lovers) complain about how they’re being persecuted. Their religious freedoms are being invaded by the mere existence of the option for same-sex couples to get married. I have yet to figure out how that works.

The main argument appears to be that businesses and business owners are being fined when they discriminate against same sex couples who want their services. Let’s be real here, if the couples had known that they were dealing with bigots, they probably wouldn’t have approached them in the first place. I wouldn’t.

But really, nothing is happening to the anti-lovers. It’s not like the companies who support marriage equality are refusing to provide products or services to the anti-lovers. Perhaps if they did, they’d finally understand what they’re doing to other human beings.

If anti-lovers really wanted to put some oomph in their beliefs, they should start boycotting all the companies who support love and stood for marriage equality. It would mean some drastic changes to their lives though.

They pretty much wouldn’t be able to use a computer at all since Microsoft, Cisco, Intel, and Apple are pro-love. Cell phones would be out entirely unless you can find something not run on Android, iOS, or Windows. They wouldn’t be able to spew their hate-filled and discriminatory messages on Facebook or Twitter either. Not sure how they’re going to email either since Google is in the pro-love camp too. I guess they can all buy their own domains and send mail from there – bigot@ihatelove.com may still be available.

Sam’s Choice Cola would be what they had to drink, since both Pepsi and Coca-Cola stand for love. Say goodby to Oreos, Chips Ahoy, Nabisco products, and and delicious Nutter Butter cookies. General Mills is out too. And the java fix will have to come from somewhere other than Starbucks.

All those hateful business owners would have to start buying their office supplies from someone other than Staples and Office Depot. They’ll have to switch to a phone company other than Verizon or AT&T. Bank of America, JPMorgan Chase, American Express, TD Bank, Citigroup and WellsFargo wouldn’t want their business either. I guess companies besides Xerox make a copier.

Travel gets a lot harder when you can’t use Orbitz to book trips and when you can’t fly American Airlines, Alaska Airlines, Delta or United Airlines. Also, I don’t know about you, but I like staying at Hilton and Marriott hotels.

Anti-lovers would have to get used to looking funky walking around because they wouldn’t be able to buy anything made by Johnson & Johnson or Proctor & Gamble. Estee Lauder wouldn’t want to make you pretty. Levi Strauss and American Apparel aren’t going to put clothes on their backs.

Convenience shopping would be gone too – eBay and Amazon are all about the rainbow. Hope you like Walmart, because Target’s bullseye isn’t just red. Electronic Arts video games would be banned too.

And let’s not forget a big one – The Walt Disney Company. Hope the anti-lovers’ kids don’t want to go to the happiest and most magical places on Earth or see any good animated movies. The kids are out of luck if they’re fans of The Muppets too. Ms. Piggy and Kermit don’t want anything to do with their hate either.

Yeah, the anti-lovers would pitch a fit if these companies started treating them like they treat the LGBT community. Somehow they’re allowed to discriminate under the First Amendment, but no one else is. Not that those of us on the other side probably would. We get that the First Amendment wasn’t meant to be used as a weapon of persecution.

*A more complete list of companies who stand for marriage equality can be found here.

Teddy bear vagina is a THING, apparently

Did you know that teddy bears had vaginas? No? Me either. But apparently we’re wrong. At least according to Sharon Green.

Ms. Green ordered a christening cake from Occasion Cakes, but was apparently disappointed to discover that they had VAGINAL CREASES.

Teddy Bear Vagina

 

(Source)

Not only was Mrs. Green offended, but apparently the bear’s vaginal crease was the talk of the christening for which the cake had been purchased. After Mrs. Green complained, the shop tried to make it better by providing edible flowers to cover up the stomach seam, but that didn’t satisfy Mrs. Green.

These are some seriously sexually-repressed people if they’re looking at a teddy bear on a fucking christening cake and seeing VAGINAL CREASES. I wouldn’t even have noticed the crease if someone hadn’t drawn my attention to it.

I decided to investigate and see whether ALL teddy bears are a bunch of vaginal crease showing whores.

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Oh yeah, they’re all showing off their… VAGINAL CREASES. Dirty bears.

And worse than that – check out these two. Looks like they’re working hard for the money.

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I’ll never look at a teddy bear the same way again.

Quit Playin’ Games with My Heart

I’m about a week out from being married for a year. Given that my longest relationship prior to Mr. Lyndsy was 6 months, I’m a little impressed with myself. Of course, Mr. Lyndsy has made this ridiculously easy for me. But that’s almost always been how things went between us. The one hiccup we had was mostly on my end, and I got over it quickly.

I hear stories from friends now about their dating adventures and I’m just horrified. Before I met Mr. Lyndsy I’d gone through a pretty dry dating period. I had a few first dates but no second dates for a long time so I didn’t  need to worry about all the games that get played during the dating game.

I had a friend tell me recently that you can’t respond too quickly to a guy or he’ll lose interest because she’s too eager. Huh? Isn’t the point to express interest?

Another friend had a guy tell her she was too closed off and then he just disappeared for like a week. He popped back up like nothing weird had gone on. He almost couldn’t understand what her problem was. She stood her ground and made him realize his behavior was inappropriate.

Someone else told me that her girlfriend is making up shit to get attention, but has trouble admitting that she wants the attention.

It may have been the crazy distance between me and Mr. Lyndsy or it may just have been the type of people we are, but Mr. Lyndsy and I just let it all go. We were honest with each other about who we are, that we were unwilling to compromise on what we really want in life, and most importantly, we were honest about how we felt about each other. When we started talking about him coming to visit, I told him it would be nice to show my friends an actual human being and not just having to say, “I met this guy who likes me.” He corrected me and said, “A guy who really really likes you.” There was never ANY pretense.

People don’t like being vulnerable. We like feeling like we have the upper hand. We hold back and keep parts of ourselves hidden. What we don’t realize is that doing so won’t stop the pain. People get sick of that type of withholding behavior and they leave. Guessing how someone feels gets old. Trying to make someone happy when the person has no idea what will make them happy is exhausting.

The only real way to live is just to let go and give everything to someone else. Otherwise we’re headed for pain. If we hold back, then our partner never really knows us. That alone is a loss. BUT, if it goes further and we slip up and start letting ourselves leak in, our partner is likely to wonder what the fuck just happened and that will damage the relationship.

Also, if we’re holding back and believing that’s normal, why would our partner/interest do anything different? Somehow when it’s someone else doing it, it’s not okay.

To get love you have to give love. If we want someone to accept us and love us for who we are, we have to be willing to do the same. Sometimes that means that we have to make the first step. If someone responds like an asshole then let them go. They have thus proved themselves undeserving.

Yes, the risk can be great. But with great risk comes great reward. Isn’t finding the love of your life worth that?

 

Next 30-Day Project?

30-day Project

I have really enjoyed blogging every day. I think it’s been a great outlet for me – I’ve been writing and I’ve been able to chronicle what’s going on with my tendon transfer. On that front, things are much the same. If I’m vertical my foot gets mad. It’s happy when I lay down.

But now I need to come up with the next 30-day project. I’ve gotten some good suggestions – meditation and/or breathing exercises, sending a postcard every day (ecard style), trying a new recipe or baking something every day. The deal for July is that for a good portion of the month I will still be in this case and not able to exercise or move much.

Any thoughts or ideas? I have a friend who had a goal to draw something new every day. I like to draw, but I’m kind of shit at it. I guess practice could be good.

I could do a different kind of writing – fictional prompts maybe?

Any thoughts? Anything you guys would love to see me try to do for a month?

Thanks!