With the diet changes I’ve done recently on top of the medications, I’ve lost a bit of weight. I know that in order to be healthy (at least according to the BMI chart) I either need to be taller or lose some more weight. As much as I’d like to be more of an Amazon, I think I’ll stick to dropping some extra pounds.
What I know that is that no matter how much weight I lose, I’m always going to see myself as the fat girl.
I know this because I’ve done this before. Back in 2009 I joined Weight Watchers and lost 60 pounds. I went down from 250 pounds down to 190. But, when I quit Weight Watchers, I didn’t watch what I was eating, and I gained almost all of it back.
Since then my weight has been consistently closer to 220 pounds. Even then, I looked in the mirror and all I could see was me at 250. Despite being less than that for years, I never saw myself any other way. That hasn’t changed.
I know this is something I need to work on. It’s not healthy. What happened before, and will end up happening again unless I catch myself, is that I won’t know how or when to stop. No number on the scale will satisfy me because I will still only see fat and ugly. That isn’t what I want for myself. I know that I’m more than a number on a scale and even more than the Pudge that sticks with me. Knowing and believing are two very different things though.
Changing my mindset won’t be easy. Frankly, I don’t even know how to do it. I suppose that’s a good chat for me to have with my shrink. If anyone has any ideas about how to work through this, please let me know.