Life on a continuum

A good friend of mine wrote a book and she’s letting me take a crack at editing it. I just hit a part where she talks about how life is on a continuum, specifically related to where we think we are in relation to someone else.

I regularly think life isn’t fair. I went from being an active person to someone who spends a good portion of my day in bed. I’ve mentioned before that I have pain every. day. That hasn’t changed in three years and it doesn’t look like it’ll change anytime soon. That sucks.

But, there are people who feel worse than I do and those who feel better. That doesn’t really matter. I’m not them and they’re not me. My life isn’t their life. Their life isn’t mine. I have no idea where they live, whether they’re married, etc.

I wrote once about choosing not to have a child because of my health conditions. Well, it seems more likely than not that even if I wanted to, it’s not something my body can do. A doctor recently confirmed that it would be a “very high-risk pregnancy” given my age, diabetes, and lupus. But like I said, it seems that my uterus is actually quite hostile to the idea.

I get angry about that. I don’t even have the *choice* that so many other people get. Sometimes it’s made me hostile (only to myself, never at anyone) when there are pregnancy or birth announcements. But, I trust there’s a reason. So many things in my life have happened that put me in one place or another where I never expected to be but from which wonderful things happen. Right now I get great healthcare. I’m grateful for that because I desperately need it. Were I in the US, I don’t know that I would be getting that or that I could afford it if I were in the US.

Sometimes when I talk about how I’m unhappy with my constant physical pain or mental health issues, I get kickback from people who want to remind me that I should be grateful for what I do have.

Complaining about my current state doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what I do have. But being happily married doesn’t change the fact that constant pain sucks. A lot. I don’t know how anyone on Earth could say that constant pain isn’t a big deal. Or that being so depressed that thoughts of suicide aren’t infrequent (though they happen less often now than before).

Just because someone thinks I’m better off than someone else, does not give them the right to tell me I can’t experience sadness or anger over the hand I’ve been dealt. It’s horrible to be denied that. It also means I’m not fully feeling emotions, which is unhealthy.

I can be grateful and pissed off at the same time. I can be sad about one thing and happy about another. I am more complex than that. We all are.

I will give you your suffering if you give me mine. I will give you your happiness if you give me mine. We all deserve that.