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Feeling like a burden (Spoonie Life Complication #3)

A few months ago I got stressed out which led to a horrible back spasm. I tried to fall asleep, but was kept awake by the pain. It was so bad I actually had tears in my eyes. I couldn’t find any position in which I was comfortable. I hemmed and hawed about whether to wake up Mr. Lyndsy. I posted about it on social media – asking whether it was okay to wake him up.

Overwhelmingly the answer was “Yes! Wake him up!”

But I still didn’t do it until a time when he might have been up anyway. (Obviously he wasn’t awake since I had to wake him up, but it was after 7am when he’s usually up.)

Once up he put some ointment on my back to try to soothe the spasm, but it didn’t help much. A little while later we headed to the doctor to get some drugs that would actually help.

Mr. Lyndsy was upset I hadn’t woken him sooner. People online were surprised I didn’t wake him sooner.

Here’s the thing, I constantly feel like a burden already. I didn’t want to be EXTRA burdensome by disturbing his sleep.

Spoonies, even those with the most supportive partners, often feel like burdens because we can’t do all the things we think we should be able to. Some of us can’t work full-time like we used to. Others can’t help keep the house clean or cook. These things make us crazy. We try to do what we can, even to the point of hurting ourselves, but we rarely feel like it’s enough. (Occasionally this is made worse by outsiders who add their commentary about how bad they feel for our partners, having to pick up the slack.)

We try to be as un-needy as possible all the time. We minimize pain we’re having or hide it altogether. We just don’t want to burden those we love.

So when something happens that we believe is going to be an additional pain in the ass, we’re indecisive about what to do. Can we manage on our own? How much should we try before we go to our partners? What’s the pain point that we really just can’t take it anymore?

That’s where it has to get before we’ll reach out. Especially if our partner is doing something they really enjoy, like sleeping or playing video games or out with friends.

It all comes back to the fear that one day we’ll be too much for someone. One day our partner will hit their breaking point and that will be it. So rather than push it to that point, we do everything we can to be as self-sufficient as possible. Because we believe we’re already a weight on our partners’ backs every day.

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