Reality: I am not a thin girl. I’m lucky that I’m tall, because I hide the extra weight pretty well. Still, if I want a pair of comfortable pants, they’re going to be a size 18. After my spinal fusion I got down to a 14 and felt okay with that. I also thought I could maintain it so I did a bunch of clothes shopping. I didn’t maintain it. Now I have loads of clothes that don’t really fit.
I’m having a hard time caring.
I feel like I should feel bad about the fact that I’m overweight. Isn’t that what I read all the time? LOSE THE POUNDS! FIND THE SKINNIER YOU!
What if I don’t want to find the skinnier me? What if the happy me won’t be skinny because the happy me likes cupcakes? I do know that it’s possible to be skinny and eat cupcakes. But I want them more than once a year on my birthday.
My body is what it is. Right now I can’t do much. I do miss working out. I like going to the gym and lifting weights. I get a sense of accomplishment doing that. I enjoy walking. It’s a good time for me to put on some music and let my mind wander. (But not too far or I fall off the treadmill.)
Back in 2009 I joined Weight Watchers for the first time. I’d gone to Ireland and some of the activities made me a bit concerned about my size. I realized then that I didn’t want my weight/size to stop me from being able to do the things I wanted to do. Unfortunately, I got a bit carried away with it and it became more about the weight and less about what my body meant to the rest of my life.
When I was at my heaviest weight I was playing flag football, and pretty well. I have never been a runner – I think my lungs just don’t like it, so I didn’t run a ton when I played. But I could move when I needed to without feeling like I was going to die. I did a lot of hiking. My body cursed me some but that had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn’t used to that kind of activity. Once I did it more often, it got easier.
When we talk about our bodies and what they should look like, one size does not fit all. What our body needs to look like is a pretty personal thing dependent on what we want out of our lives. If our bodies are what they need to be to accomplish what we want to accomplish, then we’re doing fine. If not, we usually know what we need to do to get them there.
My goals are to have kids, travel without being concerned that my size will keep me from seeing everything I want to see and doing everything I want to do, and to live a long life with Mr. Lyndsy. I probably need to make some diet adjustments for this as having kids will require my blood glucose to be under 100 almost all of the time and Type 2 Diabetes increases the risk of heart failure which could impact the length of my life. Those diet changes could result in weight loss… or they may not. Either way, I’m okay.
But, first things first. I need to get walking again.