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What was I doing?

Between the lack of sleep on Saturday night and staying up over 24 hours on Sunday (we flew back in time), I was a little wiped out when I got up today. I think I got a decent amount of sleep and it wasn’t terrible sleep. But it just wasn’t enough.

I have spent the entire day forgetting from one second to the next what I was doing. I’d pull out my phone and forget why. Or, I’d pull it out, get distracted by a notification, handle it, and then put the phone down. I slurred words a bunch. I forgot what I was saying in the middle of a sentence.

My brain is done. I think this has happened to me before, but I either didn’t really notice or was too overwhelmed with something else to care. Today it was incredibly frustrating. I should have realized much earlier on in the day that trying to do two things at once was a bad idea. Instead, I continued to try to multi-task. Fail.

I’m hoping a nice restorative sleep this evening will save me from myself tomorrow. I hope this isn’t a new, long-term problem for me. I don’t think I could handle it!

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King Arthur: Legend of the Sword: A Review

How lucky are you that you get to read my review of a second movie this week. Not only that, it’s one that’s been out for AGES already. But anyway, King Arthur.

I was most definitely iffy about this one. But again, when you’re in a movie drought, you will take what you can get. It was certainly better than anything else there. (I refuse to see Aliens or whatever the hell it is). Also, I’m a big fan of the Arthur legends. Real talk for a minute? I’m also a fan of hot men, like Charlie Hunnam, taking off their shirts a lot on camera. They probably could have turned off the sound and I would have been fine with that too.

Anyway, this seemed like quite the different take than the other Arthur legends I’ve been aware of. I completely forgot that Uther Pendragon ever existed, despite watching the entire Merlin series, where Uther features most prominently. But I digress.

This tale starts with the takeover by Vortigern (I still hate Jude Law for some reason) as he kills his own wife (played by Katie McGrath who played Morgana in Merlin, I assumed she was going to have a real, evil role in this one, but no such luck) to gain power to eventually kill Uther. Arthur is a small boy and makes his way, not unlike the Disney Hercules, in a boat to be picked up by prostitutes. He’s raised in a brothel, knowing nothing of his true identity, and falls into the role of protector. Save the ladies, piss off the wrong guys, etc. As he’s trying to escape the Black Leg, he gets picked up and forced to try to withdraw the sword from the stone. (How is gets there is perhaps one of the coolest parts of the movie.)

SURPSIE AND AWE! HE DOES IT!

Then the rest of the movie is about Vortigern trying to kill Arthur to have all the power. Arthur gets assisted by a great cast of people, with awesome names like George, Wet Stick, Back Lack, Blue, and the Mage. Now, the Mage is just pure awesome. In another life it might be fun to be her.

The movie ends how you expect it to. No surprise there.

I had really low expectations going into it. The previews looked terrible, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I think a lot of it had to do with the film score. Sometimes that can make or a break a movie.

If you’re looking for a cool rental and you like the King Arthur legends, this one shouldn’t disappoint.

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Out of the Suicide Spiral

As you read earlier this week, my weekend was… NOT GOOD to say the lease. That’s the worst I’ve been in a while and I would rather not get anywhere near that again. My shrink is changing my meds up some and she gave me a list of 10 Forms of Twisted Thinking so that I can identify the shitty thoughts and recognize them for what they are.

Of course, that assumes that I don’t already know the thoughts are fucked up when I have them – I do. It’s just that I can’t control how fast they come and spiral.

BUT, as I was crawling out of the spiral on Sunday night, I had an excellent conversation with a very good friend about depression and why I struggle with it so much. She said what a lot of people say, that depression is a liar. A light went off in my head. I thought of something else everyone calls a liar, or rather The Great Deceiver – Satan.

Which led me to one of my derailed trains of thought. I won’t get into that in its entirety because 1. I can’t remember it i full and 2. It doesn’t really matter. The conclusion I ultimately reached is that the depression is trying to get me to stop shining my light in this world and stop me from fulfilling my role in the larger universe.

The reason this is important to me is that most often I’m not willing to do something for my SELF. Typically I just don’t care enough. Bad things happen to me. Boohoo. Okay. I deserved it. It’s karma. Whatever. But, when something affects OTHER PEOPLE, I have a problem with it.

People have told me that I’ve helped them through things. That something I shared with them mattered. That I affect more people than I know. I have a problem with depression trying to take that away. THAT is not okay.

So now, I have a reason to fight. To not just let go when the spiral forms beneath me. I will see that black hole and tell it to go fuck itself. I have people to help.

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The Mummy: A Review

It’s been a long while since I’ve done a review of any kind, so why not now? We’re in a bit of a movie drought right now since they don’t generally bring new films during Ramadan. We got lucky though (sort of), because they launched The Mummy midway through. We went to see it, not because we were that excited about it, but because it was something new to watch.

I think I’d only seen one of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies, so I didn’t really remember anything about them to think about whether I was supposed to be comparing one to the other. The most I’d done with that series is hit the ride at Universal Studios. I remember it being super cheesy and a “we won’t take ourselves too seriously” kind of movie.

I have no idea what the hell happened with this Mummy movie. Tom Cruise was… Tom Cruise. He plays basically the same character in all of his action movies. This time he was also a grave robber. It was one part super cheese, thank you Jake Johnson (best known in my world for New Girl). The other parts were an attempt at something deep and serious – Cruise’s relationship with Annabelle Wallis‘s character; the danger of looming evil through Russell Crowe’s portrayal of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (honestly, it was so obvious and dull); and Tom Cruise’s asshole character having to come to grips with himself. [cue eye roll]

Speaking of eyes – the whole two irises in one eyeball was hella weird and gross.

The worst part? They have clearly left an opening for a sequel.

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Well, so much for that

On Friday I gleefully posted about how the Blargh had hit me, but that I was doing really well emotionally and pretty well physically.

I never should have posted that.

You know why? The Universe was listening.

And do you know what the Universe gave me? An anxiety attack that led into a suicide spiral. That’s usually how these things go for me. I’ll break it down.

I get into a situation where I stop seeing possibility. I stop seeing opportunity for things to change. It can be for any number of factors, but generally involves: 1. My physical inabilities currently to work in a full-time environment; 2. That I live in the desert in the Middle East; and 3. Bills. Damn bills.

Money is usually the trigger that sends me straight into the darkest places I can go. See, I know what plans Mr. Lyndsy and I have. We want to buy a house in the US (we were going to do that this summer, but it’s been tabled for reasons that have nothing to do with me). We also want to save as much money as possible before going back because it’s highly unlikely that Mr. Lyndsy will make what he does here. We also have no idea what kind of condition I’ll be in.

So on Friday, the trifecta hit and my anxiety shot through the roof. I have a student loan I cannot get rid of no matter what I do. It’s $500 month. Most months, I barely make that. Which means that the other various bills I have – hospital bills from the little trip I took to the ER in February, credit card bills from business expenses (sadly, direct sales haven’t gone super well lately), and personal credit cards (which are my fault, some, and stupid shit), don’t have much money to fund them.

Then I have to ask. I hate asking, because it puts me into the expense column.

My brain starts scrambling to figure out what I might be able to do. Then I get caught up in the fact that my body is not so good to me all the time. I have constant fatigue from fibromyalgia. I have insomnia which I only overcome when I take one of my antidepressants. The problem with that antidepressant is that it knocks me WAY out. Even if I fall asleep around midnight, it’s not unheard of for me to sleep until noon. That would make getting to work on a bit challenging. If I try to get up before my body is ready, it won’t move and I end up falling back asleep. I’ve learned it’s better not to fight it.

The thing is that here I couldn’t have any of the accommodations that I would have in the US. They don’t have an ADA. If you can’t do exactly what they’re asking (and most jobs work 6 days/week) they have no reason to hire you because there are people lined up behind you to take the job.

“So Lyndsy, just move back to the US!” Ah, but you see, the US is a problem now – healthcare. It’s too up in the air to risk it. Mr. Lyndsy’s anticipated job doesn’t have healthcare. *I* would have to find a job with insurance (the exchange plans where we’d be aren’t the best) and be able to work and make enough money to cover it. Right now, I don’t see how that’s physically possible. Knowing that any protections I would (no lifetime caps, pre-existing care coverage) would either go away or become unaffordable freaks me out. I see a rheumatologist, endocrinologist, nephrologist, and a shrink (and you know how Republicans hate treating healthcare!). I take 7 medications per day, well, 8 right now, plus one more weekly. I don’t even want to think about what those would cost if I had to come up with the out of pocket funds.

Herein lies my problem. Whether I’m here or there, I’m kind of screwed. The only saving grace would be a successful SSDI claim, which is unlikely the first go through. They often take 2 years to fully litigate. What would I do in the meantime?

This is how I end up feeling trapped in a dark place I cannot get out of. Where I hear from a voice in the back of my head, “The best thing to do would be for you to kill yourself.” And it starts to sound downright LOGICAL.

YES! Kill myself! Then all of this doesn’t matter. I stop being a expense! I no longer have to worry!

Friday night was the closest I’d been in a long while. I mentally wrote my goodbye note to Mr. Lyndsy and my obituary. I thought about messages I’d like to send people. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. This is just my life and how it rolls.

After a while, it’s too much. Knowing now, after almost 3.5 years of constant pain, with other worsening attributes, that any kind of traditional work environment would be too much, is demoralizing. I feel guilty about spending money on fun things. Because if I spend money out of my accounts on anything fun, I’m going to have to ask for money from Mr. Lyndsy. But, if I try to not spend, I grow resentful. I hate losing my independence.

So here I am. I made it through Friday night. It’s just a one episode at at time kind of thing.

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Trump should serve as a warning to all of us

I haven’t been even a little coy about my contempt for Donald Trump. He’s a tiny-handed, narcissistic, man-child still seeking his daddy’s approval and ruining our country in the process. But, he can do something positive for us. He can show us all how living a life filled with expectation leads to unhappiness.

It’s my belief that the happiest people are the people who have learned to live with no expectations. They don’t expect life to be easy, they just expect it to be what it is. Life isn’t fair. It’s not easy. It’s not filled with happiness all the time.

However, Trump and people like him expect that life will just unfold before him perfectly. I don’t know if it’s how he was raised (but I suspect so), but he acts like he expects everyone to just do what he wants them to. Like he’s what the world revolves around. He expects that his worldview should be or is the dominant worldview. He expects that money should get him whatever he wants. I mean, maybe it got him his wife, but I don’t think that’s working out for him as well as he expected it to.

And that’s the problem. Expectations rarely work out the way we think they will. We see things from our limited perspective, discounting the people around us, who all have their own motivations and expectations. We also can’t predict the world of larger events – things like natural disasters, the criminal or nasty intentions of others.

Our expectations also imply that we know what’s best on the grander scale. When we get focused on a set of ideas, and it blocks us from being able to see other possibilities. These possibilities could bring us rewards we never dreamed of because we couldn’t comprehend them, but we’ll never see them because expectations clouds our vision. It’s truly sad for us.

Because Trump has expectations, he acts out of fear that the expectations will not be fulfilled. Acting out of fear is rarely (I would say never) a good idea. It’s more short-sighted than allowing life to unfold, which means precluding a whole series of other potentialities. Fear is the greatest liar in our lives. Nothing cuts us down faster than fear.

And we can see what it’s doing to the United States. Fear leads to unrealistic nationalism, racism, homophobia, etc. It’s not the United States I love so much. It’s not a United States with possibility. It’s backward-looking and limiting. With our resources and population, we should be leading the world in science, technology, mathematics, economics, etc. But we’re not. Until our Dear Leader gets his head out of his ass, we’re going to continue to skid, out of control, backwards, to an era where equality was a dream.

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Hit by the Blargh

I’d been doing really well, posting every weekday. Then yesterday came along and I was hit by the Blargh. I was up earlier than usual, which should have meant extra productivity. Instead, it was like I hit a wall. I just didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to work on my puzzle. I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to work. I didn’t want to chat online. I didn’t want to design anything. NOTHING.

That hadn’t happened to me recently and I have no idea what triggered it. I’ve been really productive lately. Posting online for all my direct sales endeavors, assisting in sales, writing, creating, etc. My emotional balance has been pretty awesome. I had one anxiety attack a little bit ago. My fibro has been under control, meaning the meds are working to keep joint pain away and my upper back hasn’t been bothering me. I have been sleeping a ton, but I don’t know that that will ever change. One of the anti-depressants makes me sleep a lot. But, at this point, given the emotional balance I have, I won’t risk changing it for something else.

So yeah, yesterday ended up being kind of a fail. Today hasn’t started off so well either. I woke up later than I wanted to. I had weird and disorienting dreams with effects that lasted past waking. I HATE those dreams. So much. I’ve been super uncoordinated too, spilling food in our newly cleaned apartment, nearly dropping things off counters. It’s like I’m not awake enough to be trying anything.

I hope that wears off as the day goes on since I have stuff I’d like to get done today and I intend to make Mr. Lyndsy take me on a date tonight! We’re going to see a movie we don’t really feel like seeing since nothing else is playing (they don’t generally release new movies during Ramadan) and have a dinner that neither of us has to cook or clean up after. That’s always nice.

Anyway, here’s to it being Friday!

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Dear Dems, please get it together

Dear Democrats,

We’re at a very critical junction in history right now. For as fucked up as we thought things were under George W. Bush, this is a whole lot worse. Trump’s approval ratings hit an incredible low, one that usually takes people at least a year to get to. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

True talk right now, radical honesty: You’re not very good at winning elections. There’s rarely a unified strategy. You wait until the last minute to pull something together. There is a lot of information that should be coming from the top down, and you don’t do it. You should be reaching out to college kids on a constant basis, training them on the party values, getting them into communities to talk to people, and you’re not. That’s a golden missed opportunity right there.

You seem to have forgotten who made the party strong. You’re catering to elites instead of to the working class. I have no idea where the principles of FDR have gone. We need progressive ideals if you want to win the people over and push the party forward. A lot of the time, you’re sort of just left of center. As this past election has shown you, that’s not a safe place to be. It alienated MANY voters. And, the wrong voters – the young voters. They are the future of the party. Unless you want to become what the GOP has turned into, you better make some changes, and fast.

The party does have a broad base and that makes finding consensus hard. At times things will have to be broken down to location. Not supporting a candidate who doesn’t like abortion even though he’s in one of the most conservative states in the nation is stupid. The reality is that we have to find a way to cater to everyone, not just a portion of the voting population. Will more liberal voters dislike it? Absolutely. Does that matter in the long run? No. They aren’t voting in those states. They’re focusing on what’s happening with their race at home. There you can pick the more liberal candidate.

You need to work smarter. You need to find a way to get people involved much earlier in the process. Like right now, for example. You should have boots on the ground all over the US registering people to vote when the pressure of an election isn’t on them. You should be communicating with people, showing them why what the Republicans are doing harms them, AND why what you’re proposing is better.

It’s time to be aggressive. It’s time to show the nation that you mean business. No more sitting back on your heels waiting for the Republicans to do something so you can respond. That’s not going to win you support and it’s not going to win you elections. If you have any hope of becoming the dominant party, you have to make those changes. Now.

Stop letting the party fracture. Reach out. Build consensus. Get more moderate people talking to more progressive people. See where the compromise is. Because none of us wants to lose to the GOP anymore. We’re sick of CheetoSatan, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Jefferson Sessions, Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, Ivanka, and Jared.

DO SOMETHING.

Dear Everyone “With Her”, move on

Dear Everyone With Her,

I said yesterday that I Felt the Bern, and it’s true, I did. I love progressive ideals and I think we need them to move this country forward. However, I’m also pragmatic. Since Bill Clinton was POTUS, I’ve recognized how brilliant Hillary is, and what she could do for us as POTUS herself.

So when the election rolled around, I was out canvassing.

The thing about Hillary though is that she’s a terrible candidate. People can’t help but make comparison to Bill, and he’s practically the definition of charisma. Voters like charismatic people. In one-on-one settings Hillary is reportedly fantastic, but that doesn’t get you to the presidency. It gets you elected president of the PTA. Hillary did look great compared to Bill when it came to morality though, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, Russian bots ruined that for her and voters disinclined to do any homework ate it up. That was truly a travesty.

I think Hillary was a better candidate than Bernie because what she was pushing for seemed achievable. We weren’t going to get to Medicare for all anytime soon. People aren’t ready for that kind of change, especially since they never fully seemed to understand the Affordable Care Act. It was too much, too fast.

Also, not everyone is as progressive. Running Bernie would have pushed people into voting for Trump or a third-party just to feel safer about the possible changes. Government has gone so far over most people’s heads it’s frightening. Politicians aren’t taking time to explain what’s happening in layman’s terms. Not only that, bills are stuff with so much pork, it’s hard to know exactly what someone is really voting for. That’s something we need to change for sure.

Obviously something weird happened this past election or the person who won the popular vote would have won the presidency. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and given our system, it may not be the last. However, we can’t let that control how we do things going forward. We can’t sit back and be pissed at everyone we thought was stupid because they voted for Trump. They did and it’s done. We can’t sit back be pissed about everyone who voted third-party. They did and it’s done.

Now we have to find a way to work with the rest of the Left to come up with something that is progressive, but also achievable. Not working with progressives is not an option unless we want Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and others of their ilk to continue to win elections. Their party has gone straight off the rails. Reasonable conservatives (yes, they exist) are at a loss now. They’re working to understand what happened and looking for where they belong in this new political landscape. Now may be a chance to grab them.

I hope going forward that Everyone With Her and the Bernie Bros can find a way forward, together. It’s going to take everyone to stop the evil that’s infected our democracy.

Dear Bernie Bros, move on

Dear Bernie Bros,

Look, I get it. I was Feeling the Bern too. I thought the primaries and caucuses were a little sketchy. I thought Mother Nature herself was telling us to vote for Bernie.

It didn’t matter to me that Bernie Sanders hasn’t been a Democrat in a really long time. Democrats wanted him as their candidate, that’s all that mattered to me. I think we need a progressive platform to move this country forward. I also think Democrats have forgotten who they should be representing.

That all being said, the election is over. Election 2016 was a giant clusterfuck. But anyone who plays sports or enjoys them knows that if you can’t play with the refs, don’t play at all. There has probably never been a refereed game where the refs got all of the calls right. People walk away pissed off. But, if you’re relying on the referees to win a game, chances are good you haven’t played well enough to earn the win.

So yeah, what I’m saying is that Bernie didn’t do enough to win the game. People of color had issues with him that never got resolved. He pushed hard on economic issues, but didn’t speak to racial issues enough. A lot of people who are older than 30 or 35 felt like he was *too* progressive. While that sounds ridiculous to us, there’s a point to be made there. Our government can only accomplish so much at any given time. If we want to see massive progressive changes, that CANNOT happen from the top down. It has to happen at the local and state levels first. It was NEVER going to happen just by electing Sanders.

What Bernie was able to do was bring Hillary to the Left, which was tremendous. If she even wanted a shot at winning, she had to get Millennials to believe in her, at least a little bit. She moved Left enough to bring people in and stayed where most her base could stay with her.

We need to accept the fact that Bernie wasn’t the nominee. Would he have beaten Mango Mussolini? I think so. But, as much fun as that mental masturbation is, it wasn’t how it fell out. If you want to keep jerking off over it, do it privately. Don’t waste space on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or wherever else doing it. We don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry. It’s the truth.

The 2018 mid-term elections aren’t that far away. If the Republicans can’t get find their fucking morality between now and then, we need to get people elected who will do something about. People who are committed to progressive ideals. People who will do what they promise to do. THAT is what matters now. Not what happened to Bernie months ago.

Unless we want a repeat of this awful fucking election in 2018 and 2020, we need to get with the program. And fast. Otherwise, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and their cluster of evil will beat us again. And again. I that what you want? I know it’s not what I want. I’m tired of losing to soulless, self-absorbed, greedy, conservatives who don’t exhibit any of the values they claim to have.

Let’s join together and talk about the things we all have in common, the things we all want to see happen. Economic prosperity for all. Social equality for all. Healthcare for all. If we focus on those things, we should not only be able to band together with everyone on the Left, we may even be able to pull in people on the Right.

What do you say?

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