Now that I’m feeling better than I was this fall – still tired, still loads of pain, but less depression and anxiety – I spend a lot of time wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. This isn’t a new train of thought for me. I’ve been trying to figure this out since I left my job as a prosecutor. While I was there, I felt like I had a purpose and was doing something good for the world.
Since then I’ve bounced around a little. I tended to end up in places where the person I worked for really need help and I was in a position to be able to do that.
That’s all well and good, but what about something for *me*? Something that makes my soul feel like it’s doing its part?
I read Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth” and that made me think that I perhaps need to get my Inner Purpose together and that maybe my Outer Purpose would reveal itself.
2. Feeling “lost,” or directionless. Feeling lost is actually a sign you’re becoming more present in your life – you’re living less within the narratives and ideas that you premeditated, and more in the moment at hand. Until you’re used to this, it will feel as though you’re off track (you aren’t).
Uh, yeah. That’s sort of the title of this post, is it not? I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. I’m not too troubled about it, except that I feel like I could be contributing more if I knew what I were doing. Though, I do agree with Tolle that getting in touch and living the Inner Purpose IS one of the best things we can do for society at large.
3. “Left brain” fogginess. When you’re utilizing the right hemisphere more often (you’re becoming more intuitive, you’re dealing with emotions, you’re creating) sometimes it can seem as though “left brain” functions leave you feeling fuzzy. Things like focusing, organizing, remembering small details suddenly become difficult.
The amount that I cannot remember and cannot keep straight these days is ridiculous. I’ve been so concerned I thought about seeing a neurologist. If it’s spiritual progress though, I’ll take it!
4. Having random influxes of irrational anger or sadness that intensify until you can’t ignore them anymore. When emotions erupt it’s usually because they’re “coming up” to be recognized, and our job is to learn to stop grappling with them or resisting them, and to simply become fully conscious of them (after that, we control them, not the opposite way around).
Well, yes. Sadness and anger have both been companions!
5. Experiencing unpredictable and scattered sleeping patterns.You’ll need to sleep a lot more or a lot less, you’ll wake up in the middle of the night because you can’t stop thinking about something, you find yourself full of energy or completely exhausted, and with little in-between.
I think my sleep issues are more than this, but I do know that my brain just doesn’t turn off when I try to go to sleep. I’ve been trying to just remember what I was thinking about in the morning, but I’m usually left with a sense of “What was that again?”
8. Intense, vivid dreaming that you almost always remember in detail. If dreams are how your subconscious mind communicates with you (or projects an image of your experience) then yours is definitely trying to say something. You’re having dreams at an intensity that you’ve never experienced before.
For a while I hadn’t been remembering my dreams, but over the last month that has completely changed. I’ve had really vivid and intense dreams. I attributed it to the fact that I was letting my creative side loose by doing my own cross stitch designs, but maybe it’s more than that.
10. Feeling like the dreams you had for your life are collapsing.What you do not realize at this moment is that it is making way for a reality better than you could have thought of, one that’s more aligned with who you are, not who you thought you would be.
My life is NOTHING like I thought it would be. Things I was sure I wanted I’m not sure about anymore. My health has been a lot of the reason for some of the changes. I always thought I would get better, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I think I’m finally starting to accept that how my body is now is basically how it’s going to be. I’m still seeing doctors to try to get the pain down some, but I have accepted that pain will be an ever-present feature of my life. And that’s okay. I still have so many blessings.
14. “Knowing” things you don’t want to know. Such as what someone is really feeling, or that a relationship isn’t going to last, or that you won’t be at your job much longer. A lot of “irrational” anxiety comes from subconsciously sensing something, yet not taking it seriously because it isn’t logical.
This isn’t really new for me. A while ago I had no idea that everyone didn’t *know* this stuff and that made life REALLY hard. People got upset with me and I had no idea why. Now I get it. I have really come to trust my intuition.
15. Having a radically intense desire to speak up for yourself.Becoming angry with how much you’ve let yourself be walked on, or how much you’ve let other people’s voices get into your head is a sign that you’re finally ready to stop listening, and love yourself by respecting yourself first.
As hard as it may be to believe, I used to have a hard time speaking up if I thought it would cause discord. Now I just don’t give a flying fuck. My jar of fucks, it is empty. Letting things go i why things don’t change. I know that a lot of people believe you can’t change another’s mind, but that’s not always true. Sometimes it’s about saying it in a way they haven’t heard before or asking more questions than they’ve been asked before. Sometimes the answers help me clarify something too.
16. Realizing you are the only person responsible for your life, and your happiness. This kind of emotional autonomy is terrifying, because it means that if you mess up, it’s all on you. At the same time, realizing it is the only way to be truly free. The risk is worth the reward on this one, always.
Again, this one isn’t super new for me, but knowing it and living it are two different things. I am focusing on doing what I can for myself to be happy. I’m going out on more limbs to try new things and seeing whether it makes me as happy as I thought I would. I’m trying to tell any fear of failure to take a flying leap.
I really do hope that I’m getting more aligned with where I need to be so that I can start living who I really am.