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A weird thought

A few days ago my friends and I started joking about turning my body parts into characters in a novel. I was building out a whole storyline based on my medical history, not just about the problems with my uterus.

But, the more I thought about my uterus as a character (played by Julia Roberts), the weirder it got. I have this image in my head of Uterus standing outside of a house, sad and lonely, having just been kicked out by everyone else because she’s been so disruptive (screaming and throwing blood everywhere).

I have always been the person who felt bad for stuffed animals left over at the end of a season, and I tended to buy them myself. When I see someone who’s been excluded, I feel bad. So then I got to feeling bad about kicking Uterus out.

I mean, it is weird, the idea of taking a part of your body and essentially throwing it away. However, if my arm were causing me the kind of problems my uterus does, that shit would be off my body so fast. My cycle (or lack thereof) wreaks havoc in my life. On top of all my other conditions, I just cannot deal with it. It is a physical and mental strain I just don’t want to deal with anymore.

This isn’t about me not physically having children. The idea of being pregnant has always freaked me out. It seems like a parasite just taking your nutrients and making you feel like shit. In my opinion, there is nothing LESS NATURAL than dealing with that for 9 months and then trying to shove something the size of a small watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. I hear the hormones make it so you don’t remember any of that mess, which is how mothers are able to love their children.

Still.

I also know what happens next in the scene. The people in the house feel bad about kicking Uterus out, so they let her back in. You know what she does next? She continues to go apeshit, shrieking and throwing blood everywhere. HOW ABOUT NO?

I’ve played this game with my uterus before. Thinking everything is getting better only to learn that no, everything is the fucking same. While that sounds like a party, I think I’ll pass. I’m over having Carrie as my uterus.

So, goodbye and good riddance.

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Licensed Professionals, BE SMART

The rant to follow probably applies to a broader group of people than licensed professionals (doctors/nurses, lawyers, CPAs, etc.), but for right now, I’m going to contain it to these people. Why? Because I have a lot of experience with some and I am one.

  1. Arrogance isn’t smart. It’s obnoxious. No one likes to associate with arrogant people (unless they’re pretty fucking arrogant themselves). Perhaps check in with some people, not just your friends, about how you come across.
  2. Unless asked, keep your opinion to yourself. First of all, spouting off what you know about something just makes you look like a douche. If no one asked you, why are you offering? To show off what you know? No one likes a know-it-all. Second, you could get yourself in trouble with your licensing agency.
  3. Be wary on social media. Seriously. Social media seems like a great place to share. You can reach potentially hundreds of thousands of people. That’s not always a good thing. Even if you keep your profile locked down, it’s not hard to copy and paste or take a screenshot, and suddenly what you thought was a semi-private conversation has now gone viral.

Where did this come from, you might ask? I posted about how excited I was to have found a gynecologist who will do the hysterectomy for me! I am SO STOKED about this. My days of suffering will hopefully come to an end soon!

Well, someone I went to high school with is now a gynecologist herself. She jumped into the thread to ask why I wanted a hysterectomy. Then proceeded to tell me how I should be pursuing a more conservative course of treatment, that she surprised that I even found a doctor to do it, and talked down to me.

Despite my consistent posts about everything that’s wrong with me, she had no idea about any of my medical history. She has never examined me. I haven’t even seen her since perhaps 1999.

Why was she offering an opinion then? Your guess is as good as mine.

To make sure I wasn’t being too harsh, I asked a dentist friend to look at it. He immediately recognized how unprofessional (and stupid) it was of her to make the statements she made. Someone else messaged me to ask if it was likely that she was getting kickbacks for the medical product she recommended.

Worse than that, I had a discussion with a couple friends who told me that people they knew used the product, and more than a handful had serious issues with it. The product in question is an intrauterine device designed to prevent pregnancy and manage heavy periods. This “friend” undersold the risks that come with using it – perforation of the uterus, the IUD getting lost (LOST IN THE UTE!) and requiring surgery to get it out, and deep depression.  I and a friend both know someone who’s gotten pregnant using it (fuck your 0.1% of pregnancy).

When I spoke with the doctors I knew an IUD wasn’t for, but now I am MORE THAN SURE. I already have depression, I do not need to chance making it worse.

If I had taken this “friend’s” recommendation and used the IUD and something had gone wrong, would she be liable? Possibly. As a lawyer, I would caution all my friends who are licensed professionals against offering advice the way this doctor did. No sense in testing your malpractice insurance.

So yeah, be smart, friends. Be smart.

When to make a change

Sometimes I like to torture myself by thinking about what I’d be doing with myself if I felt well enough to work like a normal person. If I could be doing anything, what would I do?

I do direct sales. I picked what I did because I like the products. However, I think I’m a shitty salesperson. I hate feeling like I’m pressuring anyone into anything.

What I’m thinking about now is whether to give it up. I’m not really making money at it, but that’s probably because I’m not really working them. I’m not looking for new customers for the products. You can only sell to your warm market for so long.

I don’t know if it’s that I don’t know how to do it or because I’m not committed to the sales part of it. For my main company, I love the product. I live in it. But for some reason it’s not translating into sales well.

Do I give it up? I’ll have to hustle to even be able to do that, but should I move on that course? Did I just put myself in a weird position because I’m not around the product all the time? It’s hard when I can’t go to vendor events because I’m just not in the country.

Ugh. Being an adult is such a crock of shit sometimes.

It’s also never a good idea for me to make decisions when I’m not feeling particularly well. I just want to give up EVERYTHING when that happens.

Part of the issue is that I’m focusing on getting my health in line right now. That is, without question, my number one priority. Without my health being as good as possible I’m just kind of miserable. Feeling like that makes doing anything fun really hard. Being tired makes doing things hard.

I guess I shouldn’t make any decisions until I’ve exhausted (see what I did there), every possibility for making myself feel better. It’s like not going grocery shopping when you’re hungry.

Thanks, friends, for listening while I ramble.

Why aren’t we scared of white men?

Yes, I asked that question. Yes, I know #notallwhitemen Blah blah blah. That’s the bullshit we hear from the privileged race when they don’t want us thinking about them poorly.

Unfortunately, that kind of credit doesn’t get extended to others, black men and Muslims in particular.

Whether we want to see it that way or not, black men are viewed as inherently scary, even as teenagers (Trayvon Martin). If it weren’t this way, why would so many cops who shoot unarmed black men get away with it. They get to play the scared card, even though it’s not justified.

Meanwhile, white men make up the vast majority of serial killers and mass murderers in the United States. Check this out.

But still, this idea persist that black men are scary. Muslims are scary.

WHY do we believe that? Because of what’s portrayed in movies? Who’s writing those screenplays? Who’s publishing those movies? Because of what we see on TV in the news? Who controls the media? Because of what your neighbors tell you? Do your neighbors have black FRIENDS?

It can’t be based on facts. Nothing supports the idea that black men are more dangerous than white men.

So what then? How about prejudices we hold near and dear to our hearts? It comes down to the idea that some is different. And because white people control the media, TV, movies, etc., there’s no way for people to successfully portray something else. Or, when they do, white people freak out about what’s happening on their TV (the success of Grey’s Anatomy, black*ish, How to Get Away with Murder). Never mind that MOST shows are still dominated by white casts.

When are we going to get real and address the problems? White killers and terrorists are treated as individuals – “James Holmes had mental problems,” making him an “other,” a “not one of us.” The same would have been said for the Columbine killers, Sandy Hook. All of it. At what point will people stop and just accept that yes, they were part of YOUR group? They are YOUR people.

Until we get there, they aren’t going to get the help they need. They’re cast off as things that don’t matter.

Well, excuse me. But I’m tired of people dying because people can’t accept that everyone’s got issues, and we’re all in this together.

 

I hate doctors: Part 76,589

Y’all know about the troubles with my uterus, so I’m not going to go into them again, except to add that this summer I had a 90-day stretch of bleeding WHILE ON PROVERA. Yes, you read that correctly – NINETY DAYS.

And for funsies, 10 of them were of the “how am I still alive to bleed anymore” variety. So yeah, that was fun. I was good and kept going to the gym, but not without nearly destroying a ton of my workout pants.

Anyway, I’m desperate to get rid of my uterus. It’s been the bane of my existence since 2002. I “became a woman” (God do I HATE that expression) in 1995. That means that for 7 years things were fine, and for the last 15 they have been absolute shit. Just complete and utter shit (not unlike Trumplestiltskin).

I figured, what with 90 days of bleeding, the doctor would agree that shit is really fucked up and it’s time to just get rid of the damn thing. At a minimum I expected that we’d at least follow up and make sure that the endometrial hyperplasia is gone (that was my diagnosis after the D&C).

Well, there’s a new head consultant in town and he doesn’t think the endometrial hyperplasia is a big deal. Uh, what? That seems like something we should follow up on since it causes an increased risk for cancer (not a huge risk, 1%, but I’d still like to just make sure).

Not only will we not follow up on that, he just wanted me on more drugs to deal with the heavy bleeding. Hormones haven’t really worked for me in the past (see above re: 90 days of bleeding while on progestin), so I’m not sure why he thinks that would fix things.

We went round and round about the Mini Pill or an IUD, neither of which I want. So then we chatted about a hysterectomy. We chatted at length. “You don’t want kids?” “No, I don’t.” “What if you change your mind?” “I won’t.” “Well, hypothetically, people can change their minds.” “Yes, I agree with you. But I’m me.”

I explained all the reasons I don’t want my uterus: My body can’t sustain a pregnancy, I’m like quadruple high-risk (diabetes, thyroid issue, lupus, age), I have mental health conditions that are heritable and I have NEGATIVE interest in passing them on, even if the chance is slim.

He went on to tell me that it could be a complicated surgery. Yes, thanks, I get that. I’ve had a SPINAL FUSION.

My favorite part was this exchange:

Doctor: I cannot make you take treatment you do not want.
Me: That’s true.
Doctor: Similarly, you cannot make me do a treatment I do not want to do.
Me: That’s also true.

So we hit an impasse. I didn’t want what he offered and he didn’t do what I think is best for my body.

I got so frustrated I cried.

This guy could not let go of the fertility aspect. Even though he asked me at one point, “You’re 36, don’t use contraception, and you’ve never been pregnant.”

HOSTILE UTERUS, DUDE. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

Seriously though, this was a waste of an hour of my time that I am not going to get back. He HEARD me but he damn sure wasn’t LISTENING. I have had major problems for FIFTEEN YEARS. YEARS, my friend. And that’s enough?

The fact that I’m telling you how much it impacts my life to bleed heavily and for extended periods of time isn’t enough. I made him well aware of the list of other conditions I have. Did not matter.

Ultimately he passed me off to another doctor to talk about an endometrial ablation. I left unsatisfied because I was pretty sure that wasn’t the answer. Some research later, it’s definitely not. I’ll still meet with that doctor and see if I can convince her of the validity of my choice for a hysterectomy.

If she can’t help me, then I’ll talk to someone else. And if they don’t work, someone else. I will go until someone is going to fucking listen to me and UNDERSTAND where *I*, their patient, am coming from.

 

 

 

I’m so proud of the NFL today!

Y’all, I am just THRILLED at the response from NFL players, team owners, and coaches. I teared up reading this post from Mother Jones about how many players/owners/coaches took a knee, stood with arms linked, or just straight up decided not to take the field for the national anthem. I’d also like to give a shout out to all the performers who took a knee this weekend.

This issue has been going on for over a year now, since Colin Kaepernick decided to take a knee during the anthem. For doing that it seems like his career is completely derailed, which is incredible bullshit. But that isn’t the point I’m trying to make. My point is that in a year, people have not figured out that this isn’t about the anthem or the flag.

People (who don’t appear to have served in any branch of the military) go off about how it’s disrespectful to servicepoeple and veterans if someone kneels during the anthem. These people have somehow woven together the military, the flag, and the anthem.

  1. The flag represents the country. Period. Yes, the military fights for the country, but they’re fighting to protect our freedoms. These freedoms include – wait for it – the right to free speech. An act can be speech. An act like, kneeling.
  2. The national anthem is racist as hell. It’s been chopped by a stanza because the missing stanza talks about slaves and basically the worthlessness of their lives. Pretty sure we should be looking for a new national anthem. Perhaps, America, the Beautiful?
  3. They aren’t letting veterans speak for themselves. As I saw posted on Facebook earlier today, veterans are not a monolith (rather like people of one race aren’t – like black people or Muslims). They don’t all think or feel the same way about issues. So I am sure there are veterans who hate that anyone takes a knee during the game but there are many others who are pleased to see it because it means that their service is validated. People are exercising the rights they fought to protect.
  4. If they want to talk about dishonoring the flag, they should worry more about bikinis that rest on someone’s cooter and not someone who isn’t actually touching the flag when they kneel. (We do all kinds of things that dishonor the flag (per the Flag Code) all the time. Every day. Almost every change we get.)

I don’t know if this focus on the military is just a way to try to shit away from the fact that people (probably almost all white) still don’t get why black people are upset at the way things are going in the US. That we are still a damn racist society and that it’s systemic.

I saw someone who said he’s pissed because people are looking at the police officers and saying/thinking they are ALL racist. While that is demonstrably untrue for the majority, its’ also incredibly fucking stupid. He was trying to point out that there are just a few bad apples. The problem he’s ignoring is that a few bad apples placed in positions of authority sour the entire bunch. THAT is the problem. THAT is what’s being ignored. THAT is what we have to solve. Until people can get on board with that, we’re going to continue to wallow in shit.

And Trump. That guy. He’s proven, conclusively, his leanings toward white supremacists. He says that there are “nice people” on both sides (talking about the alt-right Nazis and the “alt-left”) but that people who kneels are “sons of bitches.” What else do we need to just admit that he’s got some really fucked up ideals and that he shouldn’t be POTUS? Even his friends are turning on him now – people who donated millions to his campaign, opened rallies for him – are saying that he’s wrong.

Well, it’s about damn time.

Happy Birthday to Me!

This is a weird birthday for me. For the first time since I can remember, I didn’t stay up until midnight to ring in my birthday. I was tired and wanted to make sure I could get up today and celebrate.

Well, that plan failed. I couldn’t get myself roused until after 1pm. I wanted to get up earlier, but I could not get my body to cooperate. I had weird dreams too.

I’m also just feeling a bit out of sorts as well. I’m on a ton of meds right now and I’m not sure I have a full grasp on how they affect me. Also, I’ve got money worries which always weigh on me heavily. I finished The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho and I’m sad that I don’t know what my Personal Legend is. This isn’t exactly a new feeling, but reading the book really drove it home.

On top of that, I’m just feeling a little stuck, like I mentioned Wednesday. I think it’s probably depression, but knowing that doesn’t tell me how to get unstuck.

Also, I feel old now. I mean, I know I’m not old. But my body is falling apart. I take more meds than my grandparents. Mentally I feel pretty young and when I look at my friends, I don’t feel like they’re old either. There’s just this unsettling feeling that I can’t get rid of that makes me feel old. It’s depressing me.

Mostly I just feel like everything is swirling around me and I can’t control any of it. I know that’s not true, but that’s just how it feels. The mental image I have is of paper with clues and ideas are flying around my head and I’m trying to reach out to grab them so I have some idea of what is going on.

It’s just so UGH. Not really how I want to spend a birthday. But I suppose it’s inevitable. Birthdays are times of reflection. This is just a weird spot in my life. (One that seems to have lasted for quite some time.)

So yeah. That’s where I’m at. I’m hoping for clarity soon.

Trouble getting going

I feel like I’m trapped in molasses right now. I think I want to do things, but actually getting up and doing them is challenging. I did make cookies today, which surprised me, since I haven’t been able to get up the will to do it the last couple of days. This may have happened because I was hungry, and haven’t gone grocery shopping since I got back.

I’m really struggling with the WILL to do things as well. So I guess it’s sort of like a two-phase problem. There are some things I don’t have the will to do, and others that I want to do, but feel stuck.

I’m also not really able to sort of stick to goals I’ve tried to set. Like blogging. I try to do it three times/week. Clearly that hasn’t happened recently. I get busy and this gets dropped by the wayside. Knowing that I want to do it, I should plan for it, but I don’t. On Monday I had a meeting that I needed to be somewhere from 8am-1pm. Then I wanted to go to the doctor, but got sidetracked by something else, and didn’t get back from the doctor until after 7:30pm. By then I was pretty spent for the day.

I guess the real problem is that I don’t treat the things I want to do seriously. Part of the problem with working from home is that the day doesn’t have the structure that working from an office does. Things sort of just slide around. When I worked from an office, I knew that I had X amount of hours when I got home to get things done. I felt some pressure, and that encouraged me to do what I wanted.

Now, the days just sort of slip by. Before I know it, I’m as tired as I get, and I crash. It doesn’t help that I’m tired throughout the day as well. I suppose constant fatigue can get in the way of goals at times.

I am working on getting the fatigue issue sorted out. I saw an ENT the other day and learned that my nose is blocked – so I’m not getting the right amount of air in. We’re trying a nasal spray for two weeks and will see where I’m at, maybe do a sleep study. At this point I would love to have some energy during the day to get things done and feel like myself again. I hate feeling wiped out all the time. It’s gotten old.

Perhaps I should cut myself a little slack.