I bet you like your ribs too much

As you all know, I'm into the online dating. Recently, I started seeing a rash (poor choice of words, methinks) of profiles that mention "GGG." I'm pretty sure that the guys aren't talking about supersized boobs, so I googled it. Turns out, GGG stands for "Good, Giving, Game." It's a concept created by Dan Savage who is the author of Savage Love, a column in the Stranger, a Seattle weekly (?) publication. It's an extremely popular column, and worth a read.

Anyway, Good, Giving, Game: "GGG stands for 'good, giving, and game,' which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.'"

This came up today because I got into a conversation with a friend about a dating situation she's involved in. She was sort of trying to avoid the guy today, and I told her I couldn't understand how she does it. She was like, "do what?" And I responded (perhaps not entirely truthfully), "I ALWAYS go where there is sex to be had." she was like, "meh, it's not that good," which led to me revising my statement to, "I ALWAYS go where there is good sex to be had." (Not sure why I'm mentioning this since it's not entirely relevant to the story.)

So we get to talking and she further explained that he likes to ask for things, but not do things, if you know what I mean. And you know what, that's totally unacceptable. It's just completely wrong. You don't get to ask for things if you aren't willing to do them.

I'm going to be super clear about something right now. Men, any time a woman decides to pleasure you with oral sex, it's not because your penis is a Rod of God. It is NOT a gift for us. We do it because we know it makes you happy. And, also, in case you didn't know, IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE.

So here's the deal, if you're going to ask for us to enjoy your lollipop, you better be ready to tend to the Lady Garden. That's the "giving equal time and equal pleasure" the wise Mr. Savage speaks of. Get over yourselves and do the right thing. Or, you can have a rib removed and take care of it yourself.

Damn VD

Last Valentine's Day I moved out of my boyfriend's house. Looking back, it's clearly one of the best decisions I've made, though it was hard to make at the time.

Never having been with anyone on Valentine's Day, I was so hopeful that it would turn out to be a great day. A card from someone besides my mom, flowers from someone other than a friend who understood my love of black flowers. But it wasn't to be. No card, no flowers. The excuse for not giving the card? He didn't feel well that day. Because Valentine's Day is a surprise every year. You never know when it's going to pop up on the calendar. Oh wait, IT'S ON THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR.

A year later, I'm single. Living in my parents' house. Unemployed. No idea where I'm going with my life. I got a card and package of candy from Joanne. My mom told me I'm her Valentine.

As lame as all of that is, it's still better than last year.

I know Valentine's Day is an overcommercialized and obnoxious day. I think we should celebrate the people we love every day, but sometimes life gets in the way. Whether you're married, engaged,  partnered, or single, take some time today to tell the people in your life that you love them. You never know how much it'll mean to someone else.

"Remember, the light at the end of the tunnel may be you." ~Aerosmith

Want, want, want

We all have lists of things that we want. Sometimes we write them down, sometimes they're in our heads. I'm not just talking about grocery lists here either. I'm talking about big life goals too. If we're not careful, these lists will make us crazy.

On any given day, there's a long line of things that run through my head about my life. An average day goes like this for me:

Morning-ish: Wake up. Realize I didn't get up with an alarm. Think, "Crap! I'm late for work!!!" Freak out briefly then remember I don't have a job. ACK, new wave of panic.

1. FIND A JOB BEFORE STUDENT LOAN AND CREDIT CARD PEOPLE ARE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR AND I AM FORCED TO WORK AS A "LADY OF THE NIGHT."

Afternoon: Search simplyhired.com and indeed.com and (ugh) craigslist for jobs. Fall into a state of despair over the lack of suitable jobs. Spy the bag of peanut butter M&Ms on the floor and begin consuming them at an alarming rate. Once hands are covered in candy-coating and stomach is rolling, realize how many calories I've just consumed and OH GOD...

2. REALIZE I HAVE TO STOP EATING CRAP AND START EXERCISING OR WILL BE A CHUNKY MONKEY FOREVER AND THE REST OF MY LIFE WILL BE SHIT

Later afternoon: Get on my bike and go for a ride to undo some of the damage from earlier M&M binge. Use feelings of self-loathing to power bike. Pass by good looking men also out exercising. Glance at them and remember

3. I AM SINGLE AND LIVING AT HOME WITH NO PROSPECTS. MUST HUNT ON INTERWEBS FOR SUITABLE MATE WITH WHOM I CAN PROCREATE

Evening: Showered and clean, sit around on interwebs looking for suitable mate. Chat with girlfriends online about lack of suitable prospects for person of my attractiveness level, or really any attractiveness level. Fall asleep sad and crying over lack of anything valuable in my life. 

My car is 10 years old. My clothes aren't suitable for living in a place where the temperature rarely drops below 70 degrees. My feet are screaming for a pedicure. I'm sleeping in a twin bed on sheets I've had since I was 4.  Yes, my life is full of win.

But the thing is, I'm in a house where my parents are supportive of my decision to quit a job that wasn't working for me anymore (mostly). My twin bed is surround by craft materials that I've used to make Valentine's cards for some really amazing people in my life; people who support me while my life takes a detour I didn't expect. Yes, I have student loans, but I also have a million college degrees that will eventually help me find a job that will keep me in M&Ms and on the internet. I may not be thin, but I'm relatively healthy - which is a blessing since it wasn't true this time last year. 

The lists that run in my head are good because they keep me striving for more in my life. And I should be striving for more. But I let myself get bogged down by all the negative parts of my life. There's a fine balance there, and I don't do a great job walking the line. I need to take some time, every time I get hit by my list, to think of something positive so I can stay steady. 

I also need to keep in mind that things happen when they're meant to. I'm not a particularly patient person. ("The hell you say, Lyndsy!" No really, I'm not. It's okay. I know it.) I want things to happen when I want them to happen and HOW I want them to happen. As though *I* really know best. 

There are probably a million songs about not getting what you want, but the one that jumps out at me the most is Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers." When I think about it, there are probably THOUSANDS of things I've wished and hoped for that never came true. And I am SO thankful they didn't (me rocking some Stepford Wife outfits, leading the PTA, all while dying on the inside). There were a few things that I MADE come true for me. The universe was pushing me one way, but I pushed my own way. And you know what, they ended rather poorly (me moving out of my boyfriend's house at 10 o'clock at night, fresh bruise on my chest, for example).

I can want and want and want as much as I like, but the reality is that it's a waste of energy. I need to push toward my goals; nothing comes to lazy people (except unwanted pounds). But I also need to remember that what I WANT and what's BEST for me may be two different things. If I open my mind to the possibility that there's something amazing out there for me, even if I haven't envisioned it yet, I may be pleasantly surprised.

Day 5: Yes, I made it

When last we left off, I was trying to jump curbs in my car and fight off bedbugs at a Super 8. Perhaps because of the bedbugs, we were up REALLY early on Sunday to complete our trip. We were checked out of the hotel by 6:30am. Yeah, I don't usually know what that time of day even means.

After the night before and because of the early hour, Matt took the first driving shift. I got comfortable in the passenger seat and tried to stay awake. American Express finally seemed to catch on to the fact that I was traveling across the country and I had to get a call into them before I could fill up the tank.

Matt's morning was made when we saw a Dunkin Donuts next to the gas station. We'd been looking the entire trip, but they only became commonplace when we got to Florida. Matt pulled into the drive-thru and they took our order. We got to the window and a young guy leaned out for the money. He looked into the backseat and saw Orpheus' cage.

Guy: What is that???

Matt: It's a guinea pig [tone of "duh"]

Guy: That is a big rat.

Me: [Glaring at guy though he can't see me]

Our progress was steady until we hit Gainesville. Matt suggested I pull up the traffic layer on the GPS. I noticed a line of red ahead of us and then gray. I couldn't figure out why there was just NO traffic. We were directed off the highway and into the city to get to 441 and back on the freeway. Wildfires the night before caused a number of car accidents and I-75 was closed off in both directions. We passed areas where the fires were still smoking a little. VERY happy we didn't go through there the night before.

From there, it was smooth sailing. I dropped Matt off at home right around 3ish - the time he asked to be home. I got home around 4 and texted Matt to let him know I made it home and to thank him again for riding with me.

Me: Made it home. I can't thank you enough.

Matt: No problem. I would do it again. Just not tomorrow.

Me: LOL, or the day after :)

Matt: Or in your car.

Me: Agreed.

He's obviously crazy.

Day 4: I still hate Texas/My car IS an off-road vehicle

Day 4 started with a delicious breakfast at Our Place in Fort Worth, Texas. It's Joanne's usual spot, and for good reason. Our server was a little off her rocker, but the food came out correctly so I won't slam her too much. I think the highlight of breakfast was watching Matt try to get the powdered sugar off his french toast, but stealth style. Joanne and I are chatting and then she's looking at him like, "WTF?" So I looked over, and there's powdered sugar flying off the table onto the floor and his phone. Joanne and I burst out laughing. Matt didn't see the problem.

Also amusing was Joanne finding a banana peel stuck to my bike rack. The day before, Matt had asked me to chuck his peel out my window since I was riding closest to the grass. I didn't get it very far and Matt actually thought it hadn't even left the car. With exaggerated confidence I declared that it had definitely cleared the car. Oops.

I don't intend to drive through Louisiana all that soon again. Matt got the morning shift for driving and we're cruising along at a nice 85mph since it's a 75mph speed limit there. Before, too long, there are some pretty blue lights flashing behind us. The state trooper asked Matt to STEP OUT OF THE CAR. Totally not how most states roll, so Matt's a little on edge. I'm sitting in the car for a while, wondering what the hell is going. I can hear pieces of the conversation - Matt's FL license, but the WA tags on the car, etc. Eventually the trooper comes over and asks if it's my car. Snappishly I tell him it is, and I had over my license and registration. He didn't even bother looking at my license.

The conversation between Matt and the Douchewhore lasts a few more minutes and I'm wondering if they're swapping recipes or something. Matt comes back, finally, and is frustrated as all hell. Apparently the first thing the Dick with a Radar Gun said was, "I'm going to give you a citation," and then proceeded to ask Matt where he was from, as though Matt would have ANY interest in chatting at that point. Ugh.

We stopped in New Orleans for dinner. It was HELLA crowded there. I guess a Saturday evening isn't a great time to make a pit stop there, but whatever. I popped into some tourist trap store and picked up a zydeco CD for my stepfather and some other stuff. We walked around looking at the restaurants in the immediate vicinity. Here's the thing, I'm not an adventurous eater. Spicy foods hit my tongue and I immediately want to expel them from my system. Some of the restaurants looked intriguing, but I wasn't about to chance it. Fortunately, Matt's not into spicy or unfamiliar foods either, so I didn't have to feel like a tool for suggesting the Hard Rock Cafe. It were delicious.

We hit the road again and drove as quickly as possible through Mississippi and Alabama. Those are great states to cruise through at night, not much to see. The night really isn't my friend though. Somewhere in Alabama we had to get gas, so I pull off the highway and decide to go to the big TA Travel Center station. I wait for oncoming traffic to pass, and then I go. *I* think I'm going into the gas station. Turns out, I was actually to the left of the driveway, on some grass. Didn't realize it until my car is flying over a curb. We landed with a thud and I looked up to see that I was actually in a gas station designed for SEMIS. I pulled into the closest parking space to inspect the damage to my car. While I'm sure he was pissed off at me, William Christopher doesn't seem to be any worse for the wear (except for the tumbleweed I pulled out of the grill...). Matt's just shaking his head and I KNOW he's dying to tell me AGAIN how he's a better driver than I am. At that point, I would probably have had to admit he was right...

After getting gas, I kept driving. No idea how Matt didn't force me into the passenger sit. We hit the Florida state line, and I started to crumble a little bit. At that point, it became real to me that I was actually moving back to FL. I'm crossing the border, in my car that's loaded down with my stuff. Poor Matt had no idea what to do while I was crying. We stopped at a seriously sketchy Super 8, sure we'd be carrying bedbugs back to South Florida with us.

Day 3: Thanks, Texas, but I'll pass

The driving. Oh the driving. Our goal for Day 3 was to get to Ft. Worth to visit stay with a friend of mine. That meant getting through 2.5 states. Now, it's not like Arizona and New Mexico are HUGE or anything like that, but they aren't tiny either.

We set out pretty early (7am or so) so we'd make it before midnight. Matt got us checked out of the hotel and brought me a cup of delicious bacon for breakfast. That's right. A CUP of bacon. A-mazing! I obviously got the better end of the deal - he had a soft apple and an unripened banana. (Which seemed to love us. More on that later.)

When we hit the road, it was still a bit dark out. That didn't last long. As I was driving through some beautiful red rock areas, out of nowhere (NOWHERE, I say!), this giant orb rose into the sky. It produced a magnificent light and radiated heat. I was unsure what it was, having not seen it in so long. Matt informed me it was something called "the sun." Well, this "sun" was REALLY blinding. We pulled in for some gas (in the middle of empty space), and I bought a pair of cheap sunglasses. It was either looking like I was in a bad '90s movie or drive us off into the tumbleweeds. I added some peanut butter M&Ms to my breakfast here. It were wonderful.

Once my eyes were appropriately protected, the driving got much easier. The views we got in New Mexico and Arizona were gorgeous. It seems hard to believe that so much nothing could be so breathtaking, but it was. When the sun started to set in New Mexico, I wanted to pull over and take pictures, but that seemed inadvisable since there wasn't really a place to go besides the side of the road.

We finally crossed into Tex-ass (which is how I said it every time I saw a sign with "Texas" on it, pretty sure Matt wanted  to beat me to death). The traffic backed up and the towns were totally po-dunk. We passed through Amarillo around 5pm and should have stopped there for dinner. Had we known what was coming, we would have. But, we thought it was too early and assumed we'd pass through another decently sized town. Ha.

We got to Childress, Texas and couldn't take it anymore, we had to eat. We'd eaten so much fried and fast food, that we wanted something different. So we chose Pizza Hut. On a Friday night. Whoops. We tried to order it for carry-out, but they told us it would take 45 minutes so I told them we'd eat-in instead. The girl took forever to understand my order - 2 personal cheese pizzas and an order of cheese sticks isn't really that challenging of an order. When she'd finally gotten it, I picked a table near the back that looked like it had been cleaned in the last week or so. Matt expressed concerns about the safety of the car and my bike decided we should sit near the door. HE picked a table that was coated in I don't know how many people's lunches and dinners. As I went to set my arms down on the table, he screeched out, "DON'T TOUCH THE TABLE!" Like that was somehow really going to be an option.

We looked around and were sort of appalled. The salad bar was gross looking and there were croutons or something all over the floor around it. No one ever came to wipe off our table either. We watched people come and go, and I thanked whatever powers I believed in at the time that that place wasn't my hometown.

They finally brought our food and asked if we wanted silverware. The waitress brought back plastic forks. That's it. A KNIFE might have been helpful. We didn't try to push our luck with her. I started eating, and almost immediately regretted it. The personal pan pizzas aren't even that big, but I didn't finish mine. We paid and got back in the car. Within 30 minutes of being back in the car, I felt sick. About the same time, Matt looked at me and said we were never eating there again. My agreement was rapidly granted.

We finally rolled into Ft. Worth around 10:45. I don't know that I've been happier to get somewhere. I loved catching up with Joanne since I hadn't seen her in over a year and a half. And, it was really nice to sleep in an actual bed.

Friday was a loooooooooooong day.

Day 2: A great place to hide a body

We made a very important decision upon waking up: Screw the Pacific Coast Highway. We’d had nothing but low-to-no visibility, so the whole point of traveling on it was lost. We got in the car at the hotel and pulled up Google maps on our phones. We told it to take us to Vegas the fastest way. Unfortunately, because we’d already come so far, we had to continue on the PCH. We did finally make it over to I-5 and had relatively smooth sailing.

I also had some little nuggets of joy. First one – when I opened the car door to load my bags, an odor wafted out at me. I knew there was no way I could ride for a whole day with the smell, so I started to investigate. I sniffed all around the car, but couldn’t identify it. Then I realized what it was. My nail polish was in the trunk, in a plastic case. Apparently the plastic isn’t strong enough to contain the odor. Rather than suffer, I threw it away in the hotel room. Fifteen bottles of nail polish – gone, a casualty of the road.

When I went to shut the trunk after taking out the nail polish and filling the space with something else (my car is COMPLETELY packed), I went to shut the trunk lid. Turns out, the trunk didn’t really need my help. It came flying down ON MY BOOB. I have a nice welt and bruise to prove it. JOY.

The next bit of fun came when we stopped at the gas station to fuel up before heading out for the day. I was walking around to the back of my car to get to the gas tank. A homeless man was standing behind my car, staring at my bike. I thought he might be considering stealing it, so I said hi. His response was, “My Specialized Flyer bike was nicer than yours.” And then he walked off. Fucker.

It nearly gave me a panic attack to hand over the keys, but I just couldn’t drive after a while. My neck was 85 kinds of tense and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I asked Matt not to kill us. He said he wouldn’t make any promises.

At one point, we were having conversation and I was munching on some blueberry Jelly Belly. Not much else to do in the car when you’re driving at 90 miles an hour a high rate of speed. I responded to him and looked away. When I looked back over at him, he was laughing uncontrollably. I asked him what was so fucking funny, but he wouldn’t/couldn’t answer. Apparently I have a slight problem with spraying it instead of saying it. I’d totally spit jelly bean on his face. I told him I was just trying to share the jelly beans with him and that I was hurt he was laughing at my offering. The bastard.

As the night descended upon us, we got to thinking about Vegas and whether we should continue to Vegas or just head toward Dallas. Knowing that we wouldn’t get in until at least midnight pushed us toward skipping it. I also learned that I might not be the world’s best pet mother. Matt was the one who asked if Orpheus would even be allowed in the hotel if we stayed at a place on The Strip. I looked back at my baby, sitting in his cage, staring at me as though I’m forcing him endure the most horrific experience with this trip (not surprising, since Matt feels the same way). I made the hard decision and said, “Well, he can probably sleep in the car.” Matt at looked at me as though I’d grown a third head and I also got the sense that if he ever has children of his own, I will not be allowed to go within 500 feet of them. He said I lack maternal instinct. I stared at him blankly, but ultimately we decided to bypass Vegas and re-routed ourselves straight to Dallas.

We got pushed onto some really odd state roads and ended up going through a place called Nipton. The road to Nipton is dark, scary, and prone to flooding. If you were looking for a place to bury a body where NO ONE will ever find it (as long as you bury it deep in the ground), that is the place. I pointed that out to Matt. I was a bit freaked when he turned to me, smiled like Heath Ledger’s Joker and said, “I was just thinking that.” There were very few cars and it was PITCH BLACK. It was the darkest 31 miles of our lives. There were no gas stations along the way and we were just shy of pushing the car to the gas station ourselves. No cell signal meant I wouldn’t be able to call for roadside assistance either.

We took a brief drive along the historic Route 66, humming the son to ourselves. Yes, we know we’re dorks. We made it to the hotel in Kingman, Arizona for our earliest check-in yet – 10something

Quick re-cap of the trip so far:

Times Matt’s told me that I need to re-set my lady cycle to match his: 2

Times Matt’s asked “Are we there yet?”: 3

Times Matt’s denied that he volunteered to do this drive with me: 15

Highest elevation point: 7,355

Times Matt has said he’s a better driver than me: 7,500 7,501

Times Matt’s threatened to kill me and leave my body somewhere: 10gajillion

Times I’ve been thankful he’s riding with me: How many hours have we been driving? At least once an hour.